Entry Number Thirteen: Three Bags Full Sir

Time for reflection, after nearly three weeks of doorwork how do i feel. How is it all going. Well, I've had two depressing weekends of Taxi Marshalling. Which basically involves opening peoples doors, shining their shoes for them, and if needed, licking the crusted dog poo from beneath their shoes, only on a few occasions. Not happy with that one...

I haven't been in a club since the last incident with the hulk, yesterday i was walking around the halls of a massive University as extra security was needed due to a recent incident. Brain dead work, besides a group of wanna be gangsters giving it lip who shouldn't have been on campus that was it, once again...brain dead stuff. Not what I'm ultimately looking to do...

My aim is to get a regular spot inside a club or on the doors, the main company I'm with, I've kind of slipped into the role of a security guard but on better money. Fair enough but it's not what I'm after..put me back in the club like the first two weeks i started. So right now i'm looking to politely bow out with the company i was with, and find myself a solid six days of doorwork a week...

There's a few changes happening very soon with my work bosses etc etc...and I'm back in my original bar on Monday, so i will be back with the reporting. But outside of the sound of my feet walking on pavement for five hours...what else can i write? Back soon...

Oh, and *sigh*

Entry Number Twelve: The Hulk Cometh

Well i wanted it, i got it. I finally got it, the rough and tumble i so foolishly asked for. All of a sudden, it all seems to real...

So I'm out of town tonight, first of all i get lost in the endless spaghetti of roads and junctions and turn offs. It's way out of my Town, a good hour or so. I ring boss number two and inform him. He is fine with it, as long as i get there. I arrive, the club is next to a College, and the students have passed or graduated something or other.

It is going to be a big night. Little did i know it was going to be the biggest night of Bouncing I'd ever done. In many ways....

First i was positioned by the fire exits, a nice big bright deterrent. They made me don a luminous green waist coat saying security. For the most part of the night i was looking around releasing this is it, what I've wanted to do for so long, and i love it. The club was glamorous, icy, flashy. It was packed to the brim. Short pretty girls with stunning make up, tight jeans, hair immaculate. Tonight was definitely dress to impress night for these kids. I'm not sure what the big celebration was but people were coming dresses as fairies, Mars Bars, it was most odd.

A few people trying it by sneaking through the fire exits i was guarding when my attention was caught, or climbing up on sides and platforms they shouldn't be. It really was like telling kids off, it WAS telling kids off.

The club was well designed chairs and tables modern designer, the music loud and pop. Lights lazers, it was a really nice looking club. It was so busy i was scanning around 24/7 my head whipping around when voices got too loud, or when a couple of lads play fighting went on a bit too long for me to be comfortable. But besides the abundance of tempting teenage (18+) flesh nothing really to hold the attention. All i remember feeling was, this is it...i am a bouncer.

Now, by the end of the night, the queue for the coats had grown to a ridiculously large number. There seemed to be people piling out of a magic hole from another dimension when it came to getting their coats. The place could not move, rammed. We set out metal barriers to indicate where the queue was supposed to be formed, eventually everyone gelled into place and a rowdy queue was formed, this was all still inside the club.

Some people however, tried to push their luck and get their belongings first. See i was the unlucky bouncer on preventing people from queue jumping or sneaking around the gates we'd placed. So my ears were treated with the tunes of protest for the most part of that position. "My coat is just there, please can you just get it", etc etc ..."if i let one i let all in love" etc etc For the first time ever, the job became frustrating. Loads of pretty young faces asking for me to just pop into the booth with a ticket and get their coat, forgetting there were several other hundred people asking the same thing.

It later got so rammed near the end of the night when people were collecting their coats, that some girls were getting crushed against the temporary metal railings we had to put up to maintain some kind of order. "Oi! fucking watch it" i shouted in the most professional manner i could muster. The heaving mass of bodies slowly moved backward giving the girls a bit more room. It felt like i was doing security at a Concert as opposed to inside a club, it just had that atmosphere. Mostly Asian faces. The area i thought was a village area, White. Obviously not.

Let me explain, now I'm a big Black dude from a black area, so to me it's essential to know what kind of faces and atmosphere I'm gonna be working at. Race comes into it IMO. Although after drink everyone is pretty much the same, but you have to approach most people different depending on assumptions, stereotypes which in a split second, you sometimes have to make.

We cleared everyone out fine, the club was a dejected mess of plastic bottles and cups, tissues, it looked like a bomb had fell. Good luck cleaning staff. I was half expecting to be asked to start mopping the shit up. I'm sorry there was more important issues we are payed to deal with right? and of course they must have known how this club goes...as we weren't asked to help the barstaff with chairs etc, which sometimes happen, our radios crackeld into life, and we were called outside...

Outside there was a huge gathering, about fifty or so people spread out across a huge park in front of the club. We were asked to move them from the area. The rain was coming down hard. There was an excited look on peoples faces, something was going to pop off. Black faces with hoodies looked around, i took a mental note of their grins, mugs and features. Asians in big groups huddled. The rain increased in intensity. The night wasn't over by a long shot...

I look to my left and one of my collegues is on the floor, scuffling with an asian boy, he couldnt have been over 19. Skinny, three of his mates were standing around trying to put a few fists and boots in. Pow, i steamed in and lifted the boy off my collegue, gripped him up as he was swinging about wildly and moved him away from the area as requested by another doorman. "He jus started on me for no reason man. He just come at me man" He shouted. The rain seem to increase in ferocity as the nights action peaked. God was watching?

Another fight next to me breaks out, and one of my collegues trys to restrain another Asian boy, this boy shorter, they spin in a circle scuffling i run over and see my collegue place a juicy uppercut into the boys stomach. Not needed IMO, but quick descisions are made at times. Fine. He twisted around the boy, and managed to grip him up by the time i got over there. I saw the punch from my collegue, and it was the first time really the reality and ugliness of this job hit in.

I'm working with thugs for the most part who love a scrap.

Now, i thought i was there to try and diffuse the situation and whip out the old fists at the last minute if needed, not just pop one in for the fun. the crack. I wouldn't hit anyone specially smaller than me unless i absloutely had to, really to defend myself. It was interesting to see. The whole scene was straight out of the Bouncer programmes they show on TV. Bright orange jackets falling. Scuffling...it was messy. And i was there in the middle....and then...

"YOU FUCKIN PUSSY, COME ON YOU FUCKING PUSSY" The biggest, and i mean, the biggest human being that walked the earth stormed over toward us. He was going for someone in the crowd, but the doorstaff including me were spread out in front of his target. Me and a tall white collegue instantly moved in, and tryed to calm the monster down.

No word of a lie, my adrenalin turned to fear of being fucking hit by this dude for the first time on my job. I went in ready for it. He was about 6'5 so stood over me. He must have weighed about 25 stone, he was visciously overweight, and he was fuming, i'd never been next to someone so angry and ready to fight in my life before. But i needed this early, to jump the mental hurdle.

My collegue tried to restrain him with one arm and lead him away from the clubs grass area, he wasn't going, "Can you fucking grab him please" He shouted to me, i placed a long arm over the guys massive chest and tried to push him back, this monsters face had turned from a golden Asian brown to beet root red, someone has pissed him off majorly, and he wasn't afraid to let them know he thought that they were a small feline. Many times.

He started swinging, me and my colleague were almost like two gnomes being thrown about by the Evil Giant, gripping onto his arms so we didn't go flying off into space. The big guy rocked me with a shot to my ribs, it had no force or didn't land right. So i wasn't backing off. He wanted a fight back i didn't give it. One because if I'd have got caught with those fists i don't think I'd have got back up, and two i have nothing to prove. I remained determined to get the guy away from the premises as instructed, i didn't want it to go to the ground i wanted him out by the main road.

By now blue lights could be seen in the distance. Someone had called the police. The guy thunders way from us now, as his target was spotted legging it past us while we were in the ruck. His target escaped and the bear calmed down. All the while my brain is preparing myself for a thump to the nose, i mean of all people, did i have to be hit by someone blatantly bigger than me? But i was proud to say i overcome the fear in a split second.

Remember, I'm not a fighter, i was a Office Manager in my last job, my last scrap was when i was a kid. So it's more challenging for me, then it is for dude who street fight like everyweek as standard after a beer and Kebab.

Later on the guy apologized, and shook hands with my colleague, i was standing right next to him waiting for a quick head butt to be planted and ready to pounce if so...it didn't happen.

Now, the thing is about the night. The one thing that will always stick with me. Is that there was a team of about what 10 doorstaff overall? and the only two trying to stop this monster was me and the other guy. I actually saw the others look on in fear, they later laughed and joked about how they were bricking it. Ok, fair enough. I was fucking bricking it too, I'm sorry I'm not a fighter and this guy was huge, I'm not stupid.

I needed to face someone like this early on, get it out of the way. But my point is, they could have stood around for back up. No one else was kicking off, most of the crowd had ran, only the guys friends remained. But the door staff were visibly shook, scared and weren't even close to help.

I am very very lucky i didn't get a Hulk sized fist in the kisser. It was coming, but because i wouldn't get into a fight unless i had to defend myself or my colleague it didn't happen. Last night was easily the closest I'd been to a whack. I was just a bit disappointed more experienced door staff than me were standing around looking, scared. And me, the new boy was right in there trying to restrain the beast. I guess different areas have different ways of working. And i may be back there next week...will i go? fuck yeah.

I needed to be challenged with an opponent who was bigger, and more intimidating than me to see how i reacted. I'm not even gonna lie, my gut was screaming "walk the other way Dee" there was many a corner, or alley way i could have slipped down, walked round the back of the club and stood twiddling my thumbs, whistling a bird morning song, while the ruckas kicked off elsewhere. Which is the route i think a few of the other Wussies i worked with took. But i was there, ready to get popped, in the thick of it...well done me....

I was the new boy from way out of town and i saw how another crew works, i think it's going to be good to stay with the people you know, you can be sure of. But i liked the challenge in a way. It almost felt like the big guy was there to test me, to see if I'd break.

I walked to my car the rain still screaming down. I was soaked through. I reflected on the night for a few minutes as the engine heated my drenched body up. I wiped my face of the rain, and decided to myself...i love this job. Started my engine and headed off for the long journey back home.

Entry Number Eleven: "You Don't Know Me"

It's official, I've been given four regular days at the biggest bar in my town...yip yip yeeeeeee....this is good. Very good. Basically tonight Dean had his Godfather like hawky eyes on me all night. When i arrived he was plonked at a table in the bar, long doorman jacket on, surrounded by about seven people. His face illuminated a cool blue from his hi tech laptop. He looked like the big man, big business.

The night, quiet, the usual, hats off please, my Sweet barmaidy was in, i haven't got in there yet, but with the regular days at what will now be my regular bar which is called "Extra" now established, i can craft a cunning plan to bag her like shopping. She is extremely pretty, I'm also starting to get an eye for the head bar lady. I don't know her name but she showed me about first night, and seems to be the most friendly, i like her. These are important issues, and they must and will be resolved.

Yvonne, Jelly bean came down with her best friend, and her best friends sister who was suprisingly attractive, never seen her before. It was Yvonnes best friends Birthday, they were out to drink much alcho pop, and sweet liqueur. Tonight was like an unofficial tester night from the boss. He was there, it was only me patrolling, someone else hadn't turned up. I had to do good. Yvonne bouncing around drunk screaming my name had me wanting to retract into my leather coat turtle style in shame, but she wasn't too bad. She was just more over excited to see my "Yellow Arm band" With my face in it. She plucked and probed at it strapped around my arm like a bad wart or spot. She was fascinated.

A group of ladies in their mid 30's were having a flirt with the big hunky doorman...me. And they also gave a good review to Dean for me which i appreciated.

Overall another quiet night ..... until .....

Always happens right near the end of the night, makes sense i suppose, the booze would have been flowing. This Head bar lady, i will find out her name. Casually walked past me as i was staring into space and said "give Erwin a hand if he needs it Dee" in a cool calm manner. I turned my head expecting to see Erwin having trouble with some plates or a balancing a few difficult beer glasses, i mean the manner in which she dropped it "oh, give Erwin a hand if he needs it Dee" I turn my head and Erwin is bear hugging an Asian guy from behind piling him through the bar and out the doors...BANG....i get outside to see the guy thrown to the floor but protected by Erwin. The guy touched down in a nice puddle that innocently reflected the orange street lights before his body destroyed it.

Outside Dean is there trying to diffuse the situation. Erwin and the Guy are going at it. "You don't know who i am, or who i know blood, i swear" The guy cries "You don't know who i know" This seems to be a common verbal dart thrown I'm seeing. Some kind of variant on it. I swear you don't know who i know. Etc. Now...Dean is a fighter. And this guy was going at Dean hard. I'm standing next to Dean, ready for someone to throw a quick fist and it all to start kicking off. I'm trying to read this guys face who is explaining about who his family knows and this and that to dean, and I'm twitching ready for something to jump off. Not really wanting it to but there, ready and present if it did. This is my job. This is why the pay is good. One of the guys friends emerges from the shadows, a lanky black fella with a baseball cap, holding a blue carrier. "Ey what's going on here man" he grumbles in an African accent. I walk him away from the situation...

Inside my stomach all i felt was a feeling of letting my natural responses happen if it kicked off there and then. I didn't feel fear, i felt the pulse of adrenalin work it's way through my body and i also felt...i could do with cross training. My current Martial Art is a grapping / locks and holds one. I don't know how to strike, and i will need to in this job, better now then never, so i am considering another striking art, Sundays. I will give this some serious thought tommorow and get the ball rolling with this...

For now though another night..each night gets closer to the big "pop off" as I've just this very second decided to call it. Let's have a nice big ugly ruck so i can get it done with huh? Oh yeah, the recommendation from the group of mid thirties ladies...they love me. That's always gotta be good for the boss to hear. So...Fucking Thumbs Up Innit. Onto tommorow, out of town.

Entry Number Ten: Please Remove Your Hat Madam

And so this is it. A job offer i had today for a fairly good office position, i dumped like a steaming pile of cow dung, to become a doorman full time. Basically this is the dilly. The hours i work on the doors, and the hours i would work in the office would almost overlap! Basically I'd have two hours bloody sleep. Ridiculous Rodney. Ridicul-ASS. So no.

I went personally today to the offices of the job i was offered, turned it down, made some bullshit excuse and walked away from the building a full time doorman. No more office work for me. Risky, but someone who can get me work is the brother of one of my longest friends, so i think i made the right choice. So this is it...i have work for tomorrow, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday i'm now officially a full time doorman.

Tonight i was back in the same club i was in Saturday, except the tables and chairs were out, it was a quiet night and easy money son. Dean wasn't there, no one was beside the bar staff and a few people, so i was kind of wandering around like a Lemon at first, till one of the bar staff, the head i think came out and gave me a quick heads up. Stern face lady in her late thirties.

I came to realise fast, Dean has his own way of working, and it's very loose. Either he assumed i was an experienced door person because i LOOK the part...or, i don't know. But i wasn't told who to report to, what to do, where to do it...but i'm used to order in my pervious jobs, Doorwork is a bit more...well, once again...LOOSE... only way i can describe it.

Ok I've found my first real target, a bar woman, wow, she is unsurprisingly foreign, as i said with regards to the Bar staff in my townpreviously. Slovakian, Lithuanian, Polish, Kosovan, i will put money on the fact she ticks one of those boxes.

She was gorgeous, short brown hair in a ponytail. Immaculate face, almost china doll like, very subtle make up. Wow, my eyeballs were physically pulled from my head and stuck to her... if i can get regular work at this Bar then I'm onto her. Lemme find out her STATUS. I smell the sweet tang of human meat, i'm going in.

After being introduced to Yenno, a 6'5 lanky dark skinned Jamaican guy who was real friendly, gave me the heads up. We basically got going.

Only two incidents, well three if you include me being kissed on the lips by a gorgeous beauty who said i was too cute to be a doorman - as an incident. I was just standing there and she asked me to escort her to the ladies, i did so. Then she explained how she was from out of town, looking where to go next, i suggested the spots i'd be in if i wasn't working and she went to check them out.

She was stunning, like a model. Black girl, nice and short, but the lift underneath the scarf and big coat she was wearing suggested breastage. She planted a kiss on my lips and called me Handsome. "Too cute to be a doorman" well my little pixie, i would agree.

Theres a no hats policy, this applies to all. Not just black fellas in hoodies or baseball caps bowling around. In my eyes, no hats means no hats. One or two people genuinely forgot. A polite motion to their head and it's removed. But this one lady who reminded me of a grand 1940's actress. You know the ones, they have the long black gloves and those long tubes with a cigarette on the end, those kind of glamorous ladies. Flossy flossy. Well, she was sitting with a short red faced bald guy and i had to do it...in fact Yenno my partner for the night thought it would be amusing to see how i handled this number...over i bop...

"Hi sorry to interrupt, would you be able to remove your hat please madam" I ask with a smile. She places her hands on her big furry superstar hat "but my hair is greasy" she says "I understand, but rules are rules" She looks up at me laughs, and continues drinking. Her eyes slowly rise to meet mine again... I'm still standing there looking.

Her, i assume, husband stands up, all 5'2 of him. Face beetroot from the no doubt fine drinks they were consuming. "You must be having a laugh, this is Britain mate" he blurts.
Now, um, I'm not sure what country we both happen to currently be living in has anything to do with taking your hat off in a bar, but he wanted to inform me all the same. After a few more requests, and my looming presence over their table like a big rooted black statue, they got up and left. "Tell your manager he's a fucking cunt" the man said, as his wife peacocked out the doors. Mumbling words to the effect of "we wont be back again" or something...the words care less came to mind...

There's a famous tramp around our town, he always begs begs begs. Not the usual dejected head down sitting outside Debenhams with a cup asking for change begging. I'm talking full on walking up to people and asking for two, three quid. Right in their face. Now, this dudes been doing this for as long as I've lived in the town. It's shameful, embarrassing, and i wasn't up for it happening on my shift. I'm trying to make a good impression. Me walking over to the table he was begging at was enough.

Baseball cap, long dreadlocks, the same clothes, and a guitar on his back, he saw me and walked off the other way without question. I told the table to tell me if he come back and I'll throw him out so fast he'll travel actually fucking forward through time...of course, i didn't say that exactly, but my words assured them. He also stank very strongly of urine.

Near the end of the night a chubby blonde girl ran over to us "theres an argument over there" we were so bored out of our brains, it's a monday night, we switched off a bit, there couldn't have been more than fifteen people in by the end of the night. We walked over and a tall old dude who was apparently a doorman was mouthing off toward two younger lads. One was leaving anyway, i walked him out slowly while the older men at the bar continued the verbal dagger throwing. Once outside Yenno spoke first...

"First things first, there's CCTV right there" He pointed toward the beedy camera, peeping at the six of us. The two lads actioned toward the older guys, but i opened both arms and the impression of a barrier was enough for them. Beer and bad breath spoke to me close up, too close...i backed him off and reasoned with him, but not within earshot of the other two older men. Me and Yenno were ready for a kick off.

The blah blah continued as they got into the taxi. One of the boys, the baseball capped one was a little too close to me for my liking, i have a zone, a head butt zone i call it, and he was in it. But no spice to this one, the lads got into a waiting taxi...apparently one of the older guys is gonna get his throat cut...the taxi drove off....

A very quiet night, i already decided i like the hustle and bustle of that Saturday night. But the cash I've made for just standing about to be honest is silly. Good good money. Tommorow I'm back in the same place again. Plonked. Wednesday should be interesting. I'm out of town, so i have to drive there, and I'm shit with maps and shit. I will have to see if i can borrow one of these new fangled Tom Tom Gizmos the boffins have constructed for the Automobile. Then I'm somewhere else outside of town Friday and sat...

Within two weeks of door work Erwin got beaten to the floor by four guys ashtrayed and a bop in the nose. Now i don't want this, but, i want to know how i react when i get down and dirty, time will tell.

Entry Number Nine: Sorry Glover

I'm sitting watching X Factor in me boxers, a nice healthy Kebab in front of me. Just about to get going on the Booze to get ready for tonights mayhem. It was my leaving do and I'd invited all my old work lot down who live out of town, for some enjoyable alcoholic beverages. So I'm glued to the screen as normal when X-Factor is on...

My phone rings...It's Dean...the Top Dog Doorman with the handshake from last night, calling me?!?!? so soon...

"Dee, it's Dean" says the smooth voice "Ah yes Bruv you cool?" i blurt curious "Yeah i need you tonight, get down here" I pause for two seconds, my brain goes through one thousand thoughts calculations scenarios and then my mouth automatically answers "No problem boss" "ASAP Dee" He says cooly "Yes, can you give me forty five mins?" I ask "Right, make sure you're suited and booted all black alright?" "Yeh no problem Dean, I'll be there, thanks man" Phone clicks, He's gone...

I sit still, frozen, mouth open, Kebab meat falling from my gaping jaw in slow motion. It wasn't fear, but it was definitely unprepared-ness-ness that i felt...the feeling lasted for all of two seconds. I shot up rummaged through my draw for my black tie, trousers, coat and i was in the car.

I made good time, and only got there a few minutes after i said to Dean i would. After all it was last minute, he'd understand. "You're late, get over the road, you're needed at Sherry (A Club) Erwin is on the door" Erwin is the big dude with the baseball cap i met the day before.

Now during the drive down, when walking from the car park through the icy cold town centre lit up late, to approaching the bar, my mind was buzzing, just buzzing over with how to throw a good punch, how to drop a good tackle on some motherfucker. It's been a while. Also i was thinking about the basics, how to greet everyone else, was i honestly really ready...of course not. But I'd made an impression on Dean, he had actually called me the next day, and i had to dump everyone coming down to meet me unfortunately.

In all reality it was a no brainer, there was no way i could turn this one down. It was an actual floating Diamond in front of me...and it was priceless...this was it, my first real night as a Doorman.

I walked up to Sherry, a basic size bar, more a stop off point between two of the bigger bars in town. It was pretty much empty. Erwin greeted me with a big smile on his friendly round head and we shook. "This is it dude, here we go" Erwin gave me some on the Job training. Some basic holds, some basic locks, the dress policy, etc etc . "Be confident big man, thats all you need, confidence from there on in, it's in the hands of God" God...great. God has his off days with me so i can't always rely on that old boy. I looked down at my fists. "I'll rely on them badboys first" i thought quietly.

The girls. So so so many girls. The bars/clubs in the town have mostly Lithuanian, Slovakian, Kosovan and Polish barmaids. I don't know why or how, but they all seem to look stupidly pretty. Tonight was no exception. A tall girl, face depressingly stunning, long neat blonde hair, and a backside from actual actual heaven. She floated past surrounded by a warm shimmeting glow of perfection. Gave a big hug to Erwin and a smile to me.

I saw the girls from work I'd invited down from out of town, i hadn't really had a chance to tell anyone i can't make my own leaving do, one of them walked past, and double taked..."Dee!" she said, she looked very very pretty, all blonded up, black figure hugging shorts. Big baby eyes. I had been trying to get with her on and off at my old job for a while but she has a lot of men on her case and fuck that shit. Not for me, we are good friends though. She's very young (compared to me)

After it was established i wouldn't actually be turning up to my own leaving do the girls made their own arrangements in town. I later let them in although one of them looked underage and had no I.D. Her blatantly underage face looking up at me, black make up rich on her pleading eyes. I motioned them in. Erwin saw i knew them and didn't say a word, just smiled knowingly. First night abusing the system already.

Lots of pretty girls bouncing around town and passing through our little bar. One girl in particular, she was Lutonian and extremely pretty, short thing, looked like Christina Aguelera flirted with me all night. In front of her boyfriend like. Most uncomfortable i must say.
She kept popping outside giggling like a wind up toy, standing next to me for hugs, speakin' "rasta" to try and impress me, generally being a great blonde, plucked from the Default Blonde book. She was brilliant, if she wasn't with her boyfriend i would have stepped up the flirt and met with the young lady at another time for tea and cakes, but that didn't feel professional on my first night on the doors but she was so cute, like a perfect little package. She was 22 as well nice age, black jeans...tight. Hmmmm, perhaps i SHOULD have taken her information for future research. Balls.

After about thirty minutes i was settled in. The freezing cold biting at us but the sight of virtually naked ladies strutting through town in packs was enough to keep the smiles on our faces. The punters coming in were no trouble at all. A few young faces who needed I.D. couple of trainer checks, one search, no problems whatsoever. A Drunk guy in a wheelchair was the only fella to give us a bit of mouth near the end of the night as he left. "S'fuckin shit in thEre anD DooRStaff arE A WasTE Of tiMe" He slurred. We both loked at him in silece..."Have a good night sir" i said back smiling, he grumbled to himself as he wheeled off. "That was an easy night for you Dee, which some Doormen like, some dont. But now? we go over to Extra, Deans domain"

Erwin was cool the whole night, kept me calm, very friendly, and I'm lucky he was on the doors with me for my very first job. Some of his pretty Slovakian friends invited me over for breakfast the next day, one short one with Brown hair caught my eye, but apparently most of these girls are Deans...so i think I'll sit back and wait, no rush, i can control my Dick. I don't fancy getting actually Karate Kicked by my own boss on the first day.

The standard introduction of meeting the Doormen took place. Within minutes Dean took me aside from Erwin and introduced me to a large white bro, i forgot his name completely, looked in his forties, a thin goatee and large wall of a forehead. He basically told me where to stand and what area to patrol for the next three to four hours and that was it. Off i was...real indoor bouncing, no one by my side, the bar packed. People bumping, up close, eyeing me, smiling at me, i was the security in the club for that little patch i was plonked in.

Now 'Extra' was heaving, i mean packed to the brim, I'm bad with head counts but i wouldn't have been shocked if the number was over five hundred tonight. It can hold a thousand people when the other rooms are opened. There were about five of us on the floors.

And so it began. My first interaction... one guy in a grey shirt spiky hair and deep bags under his eyes, youngish dopey face was piling through the crowd. Bumping them aside like bowling pins. Leaving a trail of confused and offended faces in his way, "I'm not 'avin that" i thought to myself in my best Micheal Cain. i gently approached him, and asked him to go easy with the bumping and have a good night. He smiled, genuinely drunk out of his tree but not enough to eject...in my baby like judgement anyway. I let him go on his way, he sobered up near the end of the night fine. My first potential problem. I loved, the responsibility.

A row where a woman pushed a short Asian man, i couldn't hear what was going on but i was in there like a bee...no, a large Wasp...running. Another Doorman was there by the time i got there, the situation was handled.

My eyes flicked through the crowd all night, i was there, this was it. From the Office to the Doors...or dance floor in this case but you get the picture I'm going with here. I was getting my "Arnie On" looking at faces as advised by Erwin and Eddie, reading situations and besides some really entertaining dancing by a mixed race guy who was giving it some. A large portion of the night was trouble free, it was playing my kind of Music as well, which was always good. I was silent though, didn't even bop my head.

I saw some Doormen really going for it dancing in a bar Eddie took me around yesterday. On the stairs in their bright green jackets both dancing with the crowd. Already i know that's not how I'm going to work. Personal choice. I'm very friendly, i lost count of the amount of times i got offered a hand to shake, even a drink by some guy....hmmmmmm....

Anyways I love having a little chat with the people. But I'm not lifting both hands up dancing like a physical prick while I'm working, it will get my head out of the zone, it doesn't look friggin right, busting a groove on the dance floor as a doorman? i feel it's un professional but most of all, it makes you look too easy. To happy and too "off the job in hand" someone could take advantage of that.

Nah, just a very subtle head nod for me if that, besides that I'm planted on the spot occasionally smiling, or nodding in acknowledgement if i get eye contact with a harmless raver but besides that, I'm there for a reason...and Dean was zipping about all night watching me too.

I was loving it, in my element, no fear whatsoever. I'm human, i could have gone into this shaking like Scooby Doo. I'm not a fighter, just a big guy who can get down in the dirt if i need to. But i could have gone either way with nerves i guess. But i was loving this, good night...
Until...

Three Black guys in the corner who initially were just very drunk getting a bit over excited but generally having a good time kicked off. I spotted them earlier, and had one eye on them for most of the night, they were doing nothing but having fun until i heard shouting. ALARM BELLS...my brain ticks into gear, Adrenalin pumps through my body i flick my head around and one of the Doormen, once again i forget his name, Tall lanky Asian was trying to reason with one of the bigger guys, the oldest of the three, in his forties, maybe fifties. All i saw was him trying to lead him out but the guy not leaving.

I asked my collegue if he was cool? "You good brother?" Sean Kingston singing in the background masked his response, but it looked like a yes. I didn't want to intrude, i walked away as to not seem like i didn't have faith in him to do his job, a kind of respect but i got it wrong...whoops "Oi!! Oi!!!" he pleaded, obviously the situation which didn't look too bad needed a second hand, to be fair the old man wasn't budging. My man wanted him out? Then as far as i was concerned, he was gone.

I placed my hand on his lower back and applied pressure to indicate movement, his movement, out of the bar. I asked him to leave...his smaller partner in crime looked at me in disappointment. An almost "come on black man what are you doing to your own people" kind of look. Sorry, fuck actual that. What I'm doing is getting payed to Eject your Dad, Uncle or older best friend brother was my "non verbal" response. He wouldn't leave, boom, i put my weight behind the fella and walked him with the Lanky doorman helping me. All the time this old mans animated face screaming at me "Don't push me, I'm leaving I'm leaving" He looked like Danny Glover......Danny Glover? lethal weapon??? He was 6ft something and built, just had an ageing face. This wasn't some shuddering feeble old boy.

Once we got near to the front door, i stepped back into my zone. I could have right then got a head butt, a punch from his buddies or anything. I only thought about this after the event. I never found out what the old man did. It wasn't my job to ask.

Some entertaining dancing by very drunk White people, to which i felt myself smiling at, and i think even busting a small giggle to and that was pretty much it. The perks are definately the views. Being sober in that environment, you do appreciate the particularly finer looking ladies. Once I'm settled in, I'm gonna switch my flirt game up. I got more than a few friendly glances from the ladies in there...but yeh that was it........*long pause*..............UNTIL

I look down on the dance floor and Dean was arguing with a short but fat and stocky Black dude. I piled through the Dancefloor, just to make sure my presence was known, Dean knew i was there. But Dean can handle himself. I placed a hand on the Black guys fleshy back and he lashed out at me without looking who i was or what i was doing, i ducked the open hand slap and pushed.

A what looked like FURIOUS dean dragged the guy out by the actual fat around his neck it looked like and that was that...i walked off, to my little spot in the middle, and that was it. I now know i have no fear of getting in there, in the meat of the sandwich. I'd be a pretty shit doorman if i did have the fear though, being honest. But i had to know.

I met up with the girls i initially invited out later and that was pretty much the end of my night. Dean signalled me over "Go home now Dan" i signed out, shook his hand and he said "I will give you a call tommorow Dee" smiled and gave me a thumbs up. I think i did good for my first night. I got the seal of approval.

It's also worth noting the Lanky Asian dude i helped out verbally thanked me for backing him up and bought me a J20 later on in the night. So the first small respect level was there. I in turn of course now expect him to have my back, which as I'm learning fast, will be as standard. I am the new boy remember.

I didn't get any or ask about money. I'm not desperate for it right now, i will give it a week, and then politely ask. Right now i feel I'm proving myself. And I'm fine with that.
How did i feel, my first night of Doorwork? I loved it. So I've got in the thick with a few confrontations, could have got hit. Now all i need to do is get hit.

I haven't been hit in a long long time and that was only once, and i don't fight. I keep myself to myself so, the question remains, do i have a beautiful pretty glass jaw, or an ugly fucking brick and steel monstrosity of alower face... time will tell...

Dean wants me on the doors tommorow night...maybe I'll find out then? As i type this my phone is in front of me, and my suits and boots ready...

Entry Number Eight: White Pub

This is my unofficial first night. What did i think about all this then? I think i haven't even begun to get a grasp of what this is all going to involve. I took along a girl from my old work with me who knows the doorman who i was going to be with for the night, Eddie, she ended up by my side as part of the tour as well. She reminds me of a jelly bean, thats had it's excitement levels wound up so much, it can't stand still. Imagine a hyper active wasp stuck inside a jelly bean, zipping around inside it...that's similar to Yvonne.

So's... after finding the location, a back street pub/bar we step out into the evil cold and head for the back street drinker. My mind is cool, and calm, i think because I'm so comfortable with the envioronment that helps. I'm out three four nights a week normally, when I'm in my single phases, where i 'ave no bird, I'm out three four nights raving. Not sure why, trying to desperately cram in all my last days of dancing before 30? Sometimes it all seems so sad.

I ask Yvonne if this is a black / white / asian / pub. She don't know, i walk in, i'm the only black face in there, country music is playing and it's kareoke night.... it's not an Asian pub. Was a friendly atmosphere, all obviously regulars, you could tell. I'm not a pub person, i can count on both hands the amount of times I've been in a pub. I can't really explain why, i just don't like the environment. The closed in cage feeling if something kicks off. The regulars, i don't know, hard to explain, marmite.

We had a walk around the pub, it was fairly large compared to pubs I'd been in before, all the while Eddie was explaining to me about face expressions, spotting people in a crowd, being aware, where to find cocaine residue...it was there as he predicted. To be honest, it was perfect. Like hands on job experience. The whole course / exam thing i done, bless it, was useless. I mean to be there, feel it, be ready to pounce if needed...and advice from someone who's actually been there, been through it. I wish I'd bought along some thick rimmed nerd spectacles and a note book, serious, this stuff i was being told was gold.

A 6'4 dude walks in with a baseball cap, chubby white guy, towering. Eddie introduces him, Erwin. This guy was top. Friendly, doorman of 6 years, we walked around the pub speaking for a good two hours straight. About taking a punch, about rapport with people, who to work for who not to work for, basic arm locks and holds. Of which i need to learn before i even start on my own. I realised i was never taught how to hold someone? and I'm a qualified doorman? If it kicked off i had no idea how to get someone physically away from me. How could i not know this yet have my badge? It's my job to know how to eject people if needs be, yet i was never taught in my training..how to eject people. I can throw some good punches but i need to know more than being able to scrap. None of this i know...

As a Doorman, and remember these people in the pub had no clue this was my first night, you see the respect you get. To be fair, it was a nice pub, people friendly, very drunk havin' a laugh. I need to get in there with the dirt of it. I need to get hit, i haven't been hit for a long long long time. I'm not a fighter i don't fight. I'm just a big dude. But Erwin seemed cool, he's now manager of probably the biggest bar in town. But it all seemed very networky. Everyone knew everyone else.

My disadvantage in all this is that I'm a guy whos kept myself to myself. I have no reputation, cos i don't do dirt. I'm 5'11, about 15 stone, tattoos the works. I look like I'm a nasty bastard, but i ain't. I'm a family man who needs some extra money legally. Like good money quick. Doorwork. Soon I'm gonna be known, i accept that as a standard procedure but i ain't looking forward to having to watch my back outside of work but...i kind of knew all this was coming...
So, the pub closes, night ends. Besides one particularly lary gent arguing with his girl me and Eddie sorted peacefully, and a big bald man falling off his stool, aided by the fun juice he was consuming like there was no more on earth. It was a quiet night. Oh yeh, skinny man, trying to pinch Eddies man boobs...that was it.

We all got in the warmth of my baby, and drove down to the main town. It's November and very cold. It was a Friday night but as Thursday is the new Friday, Xmas is coming, and it's cold enough to freeze Satans dinkle, no one is out. The bar we went to, one of the bar staff i had a "fing" wiv for a while, she wasn't there. God damn it i wanted her to see me shine!!! They had completely changed it since i was last there. The HipHop room i think has gone, the inside was just all cut out into one big club. Green and purple, lazer lights washed over us, and big looming pictures of painted women and the clubs logo lined the walls. It was fairly empty for such a huge club, and for a Friday night.

I got introduced to a man who is possibly the tallest human being I've ever seen in my life, African dude, spikes in his hair, friendly warm smile, and a big broad face. I give him daps all the time when i was out raving, now, being led round by Eddie. I'm becoming part of the whole doorman team for my town. It's scary, as well as fucking exciting... all the while the excited Jelly Bean? remember her? is tagging along. Loving being taken on a tour by two big hunks of actual corned beef. Lucky girl.

We then went to my regular bar, my home, I'm here three nights a week, four nights sometimes. Theres a friendly, but very very rough, Asian dude on the doors i bin speaking to about my license for months now. He gave me a knowing smile and handshake when he saw me with Eddie. We both mentally said to each other "finally" many a drunk night I've stumbled out there to him complaining that my license is takin so long. When in reality, compared to stories of 6 months, 4 months, i got mine quick time.

I saw all my little girlies i dance with, who all knew i was gonna be on the doors soon. And it felt nice. I was the man. I'm sorry, I'm only writing as i feel. It felt nice brother / and or sister, it felt nice. Once again Eddie told me what to look for, how to get a feel for things, judge people. My little regular, i know like the back of my hand, so I'm comfortable there. But they have about five six door staff a night as theres always, ALWAYS fights there.

One night me and my crew of gangster rappers saw six scraps in one night. Including watching the whole bar duck as a spinning wineglass flew though the air like a graceful swan...that's spinning. It's a rough bar to go to three nights a week but I've never ever had any trouble. In fact, I've never had any trouble in my life besides what two occasions, which is what I'm concerned about. Martial arts three nights a week doesn't count for anything really, lets be fair, of course it's better to know some than nothing, but...on the street?

Onto another bar, very very popular mostly all white bar. Plays cheesy pop music and eighties rubbish. The poor short spiky haired white guy on the doors hugging his mug of cocoa looked like he'd had enough to be honest. Long night I'm guessing. Bumped into a few of Eddies mates had a look around and got a feel again for the people. It is worth noting that the whole night i didn't even pay attention to the good looking girls, my main concern was what where when and who to do if and when it all kicked off, even though officially it wasn't my shift. Being honest all of this was invaluable and Eddie didn't have to do it.

Then on to the biggest bar in the town, by far the most popular besides my regular. It is always heaving in there, tonight was no exception. The layout is huuge, theres a sit down restaurant area too. And this place regularly has around 10 doorman throughout the bar, just to give you an indication of the size.

We marched through the throng to a quiet corner to meet Dean. This guy has a reputation throughout Luton as the main Doorman to go to. He's been on the doors for about twenty years, is a former pro Karate Champion, and you can see the battle written all over his face. His upper body was as wide as fucking jumbo jet wings. But he was still small enough to be zippy and quick on his feet. While of course, you're getting popped in the nose and or teeth area.

I'd heard about him before I'd even started any kind of Doorwork, or applying for doorwork. He was about 5'6 a thin black buzz of hair, and a battered face but not enough to deter the several ladies that were surrounding him as he consumed some kind of fruit and then shot game. His handshake almost broke my hand, it was like an Iron Clamp...that's the thing i will always remember about him. Even though i towered over him, my handshake must have been about as solid as a wet weed, i wasn't expecting that kind of grip. It said 'Top Dog' "you have a license big man?" He asked me off the bat. I nodded. He reached into his pocket and passed me a phone. I put my digits in, he missed called me, and there it was..i now had the Top Dog of Lutons Number. I wasn't sure what to do with it, when to call it or what to say...but i would soon, very soon. Find out.

After a short introduction to all the doormen on the doors that was it, the end of my Mini Tour. Eddie did not have to do this but he did, and i respect him for it. I had so much information in my head from the night, so much buzzing so many questions but i had time to absorb it. Take it in, sit on it, soak in it, cook it, roast it, simmer it and lie back then start on the doors in a few weeks, or a week, once I'd got some more proper training right? Wrong.

Entry Number Seven: On The Doors Tonight?

I'm on the doors tonight. Well, kind of. The Doorman dude at work, Eddie, offered to show me the ropes, said i could stand with him for an hour on the doors of a pub where he bounces on a Friday night.

At the time of writing, it's freezing, above the possible dangers, confrontations and other violent, bloody scenarios. All i can think of at the moment is my balls freezing off into icy ornaments for some ones table. If i may say so, it is cold as a mother fucker at the moment. My flat mate is trying to grow icicles from the ceiling here, and it's working, so i know how cold it's going to be outside.

I have a big leather coat, but it's got no buttons on it, but i can't afford to buy a coat at the moment, tonight not only is it my first night on the doors in any capacity, it's also the night i might be taking out a lovely lady from work. So money is not an option. There's none there. Anyway it should be an interesting experience tonight if it all actually happens.

Was "webbing" for an agency to join in my town, and i think I've found one, I've heard a lot of good things about them, and I'm keen to get going. I've got several job offers happening at the moment but all of these are temporary things until i can do doorwork full time. I don't want to be sitting behind a desk no more. I wanna touch people, i want to feel humanity. So...

My next steps are finishing off this xbox game, shaving, bopping to work for a half day (job interview for some non door related shit) , then getting ready for tonight. I have a big feeling inside of a big stinking let down happening, but what the fuck, i don't know what I'm expecting, or what i want to happen really. I'm just goin in 'ead first and closing my eyes.

Of course my non existant fans.. i will report all tommorow...

Blap Blap

Entry Number Six: Licence Granted!

Case status Licence Granted

Your application has been at this stage since 2007-11-13

(1 working days ago).
A letter confirming that your licence application has been successful has been dispatched on the above date. This letter confirms the sector and role for which you are licensed, together with the expiry date and conditions of the licence.
Front line licence holders receive a licence card, and this card will be dispatched separately by post two working days after the above date

-------------------------------------

Yahooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Yahooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Yahooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Yup yup yup. I h ad a weird dream, i had a weird dream. I dreamt that my licence arrived in the post. I ripped it open like a fat kid ripping open a Mars Bar packet... and it contained my licence, except at the top, it had the name of one my best friends, instead of mine. My heart sank...

It was this dream that inspired me to wake up and log on to the SIA web site to see the above beauty. Oh man, this feels good. So...how long now then. What happens now. Well, first, most important thing, is a BOOZE FUELLED NIGHT OUT TO CELEBRATE WOOP WOOP!

Then i need to phsycally hold the bastard in my hands. Smell that plastic, savour that shit. Then after that find out how i go about getting work and getting on the doors.

I was speaking to one of the young lads at work who's uncle is head doorman of a local club/bar very popular in my town. He passed me this Head Doormans mobile, but then proceeded to tell me stories of this gent ripping peoples lips off and punching them in the nose and claiming self defense...

I thought to myself "oh, thats a bit nasty innit" realising, this is the world I'm entering. I won't stoop to those levels though. In a way i might be to much of a good guy for doorwork. Just cos I'm just off 6 foot and a good old weight, doesn't mean i have that instinct or... rip off someones lip-factor thats needed. We shall see...

First things first...i need to sort out work, where to get it, and how to get it. There is a doorman at work I'm gonna have a chat to today. Will fill you in on the convo...

Er....ah yeh....Yahoooooooooooooooeeeey woop woop. Ahem ..

Thank you

Entry Number Five: Criminal Bastard

Drum roll....drrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. It's the big wait now my friends, this is it. I knew i was clean, i'm a good boy. This is where i currently stand in the application process:

Criminality Check Completed >> Licence Granted >> Licence Refused

So it is literally sitting and waiting now, which at the time of writing, should be about ten days. I will be honest, as much as i want to moan and groan, the time has passed quickly. Life has crept in in the meantime, and I've just got on with shit.

Funnily enough, i saw the same doorman in the club i go to without his badge again. We crossed glances for a second time, much like two wild west gunslingers walking past each other in a dusty town. Onlookers hurrying their frightened children along. The question is...who will draw first? Not me.

My plan for getting work for Christmas is looking good. I now need to start seeing about how to get work, where to go. In fact I'm gonna whip out that Doorman book i was reading through a few months ago, as the time is fast approaching.

I still get my "Arnie On" in the clubs. Scanning the crowd in red vision like the Terminator. Seeing where things are kicking off, potential bust ups. I just wanna get hands on in there now.

So, this is it, the wait for that final stage on the SIA web site checklist to be highlighted in red...

then it all starts.