Entry Number Eighteen: "I'm The Number One P*ki !!!!"

...those were his words not mine. And oh how messy those words were. Long shift at my regular, football was on, and no away supporters were allowed in. This to me, was a magnet for trouble, there were three of us tonight, normally it's me and Yenno. I was with two other guys I'd seen about but don't know as such, they were cool. It was busy inside but a good atmosphere, all fine until a tall asian boy bumped the manager, they exchanged glances and off we go...

"He askin me if i got a problem and I'm tryna fuckin drink mate" he says, voice raised. He looked upset but I'm finding people have hot bursts of anger and normally cool off. But this guys rage just grew and grew until it eventually boiled over. No reasoning, someone flipped the switch and he was gone. Words were exchanged between him and the manager until the manager had enough..."take him out lads" Big fella i was working with took lead and motioned for the Asian lad to walk out. The in turn knocked his volume switch up a few notches...

"Tell that fat fuck I'm gonna fuckin have him, fat fucker, I'm just tryna drink tell him" He screamed, anger burning his skinny golden face. As my collegue put a hand on his arm to keep him moving, he snapped it away with a flinch and walked out. By now doorman number 3 joined us. Friendly guy and outside he tryed to talk the boy down, pour some icy water on the situation, the boy wasn't having it.

Outside we stood at the entrance a three man barrier as the boy continued with the insults. They ranged from racism, to the managers weight. At one point the boy and a colleague were head to head, manning up. The two of them reminded me of a big boxing match poster? you know how the boxers are side on head to head? It was exactly like that, and any second, someone was going to make the first move. Now, i never let anyone get that close to me, and this boy was ready to pop off, he was going to throw something, be it a fist, a headbutt...no, an ashtray.

He backed down from the doorman and reached over the plastic fence that cordens off the smoking area and tried to clamber it like a grasy cat to grab an ashtray and hurl it. I pushed him away and he snapped his arm away from me "don't fuckin touch me" he blurted. "well don't climb the fence then" i said. Jesus Christ. He walked off cursing and screwing. That was it, over done...

He came back.

I forgot to mention he was with three short Asian boys too but he was obviously the ring leader, they kind of scuttled around his feet like puppies. Barking off a few weak insults toward us here and there but clearly not out for trouble, "This is my beef" he screamed. He stood near the entrance again, calling out the manager. Onlookers nervously smoked their sticks. As advised by the head doorman, i asked them to step inside, but people want to see, want to look. I was convinced a scrap was on the cards tonight, this guy wanted it so badly. Everyone in the smokers section was convinced too. They wanted ringside seats.

"I'm the towns number one p*ki, I'm a 10 stone p*ki i will fuck all you up i don't care, i will fuck all you up, you white bastards, and you black man, you blacks were slaves for years, your a sell out" now when i was speaking to the guy previously trying to calm him down, i was trying to reason with the dude, this is my way. I'm trying to avoid a scrap, i was proper trying to reason, even when he was throwing the racism about to my white colleagues, but then he turns it on me! Five years ago, comments like that would have sparked me, but i laughed it off. I felt nothing.

Of course throughout the whole exchange my adrenalin is pounding through my body, i was so close to all kicking off i was ready. The guy walked off screaming, but not before the sweet promise of him coming back hooded up and bottling us at a later date. Charming...

Tonight i'm at an all black club, special event...sigh...

Entry Number Seventeen: Chunky

Good one tonight mate, good one. Most exciting event of note was a group of lads who were blatantly underage but all seemed to have valid ID's One young fella looked about 12.

One of the bunch threw up a oaty treat everywhere, luckily outside, and he sat there head down, slumped forward in the chair like he'd just been picked off by a pro sniper. Poor boy, poor boy. His 12 year old looking mate was worse for wear too, we decided enough was enough and he wasn't let back in.

They played the Khan fight in the large sized pub, so that was a bonus too. But tonight was a quiet one. And the start of me permanently being on the doors and inside clubs and pubs. No more Fucking Taxi rank. The highlight of the night was me upping my flirt game with the bar staff i think...i love this job :-D

Entry Number Sixteen: Sandwich Guard

Hey ho! as we wave goodbye gracefully to my career as a fkin taxi marshall...later, adios. Told my boss i'm done with it. Working with him is actually a laugh, he's as immature as me and as much of an actual clown. But after bumping into an old friend i knew while working, and somehow explaining to him my fall from grace from call centre manager to...opening doors for people, and then proceeding to actually opening his door...i don't know i cant do it. So i had a nice chat with the boss earlier and yep, goodbye taxi rank shit...good...this is good.

Loads of pretty girls were out in force, and the night was freezing, we were positioned right outside a busy club, and between a KFC, and Subway, so to be fair, we were needed and we were a deterrent, well for the most part. Loads of lovely things strutting down the street like the catwalks of Milan. Thursday night is the new friday as the kids would say and it certainly looked that way, jesus was it cold though, and i was wrapped up like a freak too!

My boss loves sending people who ask for the toilet toward the direction of the shopping malls fire exit, they are drunk and vulenrable. It eats away at my heart a little, as they stand confused knocking on the fire exit door trying to go in for a whazzle, when a confused memeber of the "mall security" opens up, but it's all fun, and made the night go quicker.

A short fat man in his late forties barely able to keep his balance was speaking to two student types. One with long shaggy hair, the other with enough spots for britain. They both clutched an open subway sandwich like a loaded pistol while mocking the old man. The old dude seemed cool, he came to me earlier in the night and shook my hand but well you never know people.

One of the students said something in an admiteddely condesending manner...whack. A quick snappy jab to the students face backed him off, it was a clean hit but the nerd took the punch well, didn't even cut his lip. He jus backed off, looked a bit shaken and continued to tell me "i was just asking him if he was going the same way as us man, shit"

I didn't see it coming but zipped right in there to stop any more stupidness happening. Too much drink, to much brovado. Like the old black guy earlier on in the night who threatened to bring a gun back and shoot a taxi driver because they refused him a drive because he never coughs up the dough. Broke bastard. Work.

Besides a motuhy ex doorman who had a problem with being refused a taxi by the taxi rank over the road, and rightly so, he was aggressive and racist, but they caved in and let him. I was inbetween the two of them (again) just in case. Now as Taxi marshall none of this we're supposed to do, we're supposed to just leave it, not get involved as we have no powers. Sorry fuck that, i didn't pay all this cash for the badge to stand there having a wank. Nope, i want to get in there, and do my job...and i did.

Near the end of the night a crowd gathered under the lights of the big bright subway and KFC logo's. Hungry clubbers wanting quick food. It had to happen. Me and my boss noticed a big gathering, then heard raised voices...yeh, it had to happen. But, we didn't expect it to happen like this. Some guy took a sweet hook to the head and went down, courtest of a tall lanky mixed race dude. I ran over through the frightened crowd and then saw the guy still landing boots on the fallen vitcims head like a free for all. I pulled him off, expecting that wack to come it didn't. Im 5'11 about 17 stone if i pull you off, i pull you off homey, .He left it shouted some words to the guy on the floor and ran off.

Me and my boss moved the crowd away and called on the CCTV radios the police, who got here fairly quickly, but not before another fella did EXACTLY the same thing further up the queue of people. And so off we were again, same thing, pushed the guy off before he landed more kicks to the tall lanky guys head who was on the floor in a bad state, he looked like he was swimming in and out of conciousness before we got there, not really reacting to the boots...i pushed the guy off and he shouted about a shirt being ripped or his shirt was ripped.

My memory tells me that i actually remember this guy arguing earlier with someone about his or someones girlfriend, but of course i couldn't predict him doing this. The guy went back in to land more boots, no way. I pushed him away again. "fuck this pussy boy, im back for all of you" him and his mate ran for the car and sped off...the police arrived done what looked like their default questioning then went off for doughnuts.

Near the end of the night a nervous secuirty guard for the town centre emerged from a door, and poked his head out "wow looks like it kicked off here earlier heh heh heh" me and my boss just looked at him. Amusingly my boss played the A-Team theme tune on his phone as the david brent like security guard emerged to check "all was well" yeh, thanks for getting involved mate. Pathetic.

Some very very attractive ninteen year old girls stood and spoke to us as the night ended, rain hammering down good and proper like it had been all night, and gave us some flyers about some rave or something. I asked if they needed doorstaff...why not. One was exremely pretty, short long black hair, nice figure...i did nothing i tell you.

So that was it...technically speaking i have one more night of taxi marshall to do, and thats friday night, tonight. Once that's done that...and i just got a call that im supposed to be at the rank at 9....and i thought it was 11:00 FUCK....bye

Entry Number Fifteen: No Entry

The nights before at this venue, which has now become my most regular, have been silent, nothing to report. The usual. Tonight though was a little bit more hairy, read on...

Night started off as normal, signing in, handing out the radio's to the bar staff. Near the end of the night a girl with a thick scouse accent gripped hold of my hand as i was walking past. She sat with a table of three people. The merriment of drink was in full swing. She was already nearly mentally gone. "WhAT's thE TimE??" i told her the time, then she stood up and hugged me. She was very drunk, very pretty. Long dark red hair, cute face. Fairly tall. Slim. I sat her back down with her family after unlocking her arms around my neck from an embrace, she smelt sweet. Fine i walk on...

Later on me and Yenno are standing, of course, ever alert, while watching floyd mayweather prepare to beat the stuffing out of hatton in a gym on the big screen, when the same girl wanders over. She is clearly drunk, but also it seems a little high as well. Floaty. She can barely form a sentence her words fall out of her mouth in an awkward backward symphony each sentence more bizzare than the last. I couldn't hold it in. I let loose a little giggle. This was like a red rag to a bull.

"Are you patronisin me??" she says, scouse accent so thick you couldn't cut through it. "No not at all, just something funny my colleague done earlier" then the rage in her face sparks off, and she turns a beet root red. "you don't fucking know me, patronising me, you two blacks, think your gangsters" or words to that effect. I calmed her down, and she went to sit back with her family, she burst into tears onto the shoulder of a large man she was sitting next to.

Everything is nice and easy, it's a Tuesday night, nothing is open in town. Couldn't ask for a more quiet night. But as usual near the end of the night is where the stupidities come into play. A group of men in their early forties decided it would be a laugh to climb into the DJ Booth. One of the senior bar staff called me over and told me to remove them from the premises. I walked up to them, through the beer cloud they emitted, and closed the booth. I then stood in the centre of the pack like a solid lump, and asked them to leave.

"Bit stupid innit mate? all over nothing???" Said a porky member of the crew "well rules is rules so you'll have to leave sorry fellas" i replied politely. Gobby in his early forties, spiky hair, quite stocky decided to give it. "Make me" he said. He was drunk, but not completely off his head. But he was drunk. This got my back up, as from here on in, it's now confrontational, i am the most polite doorman, security member you will meet, probably to my disadvantage, but this guy wanted trouble. I looked over at Yenno who was engaged with conversation with a bar staff member, i didn't radio him over, i can handle these guys, if it all kicked off Yenno would have heard, i wanted to see what i could do here.

I moved closer to the guy, but out of headbutts distance, and placed a hand on his elbow to indicate movement. The mob started to get a bit excited. "Oi Oi fe lla, we're leaving" said one of the goons. Spiky haired gobby continued however "I'm drinking this first then i leave" i wasn't having it. I positioned myself to the side, out of striking distance, and decided i was going to lead the guy out. Yenno stepped over and spiky threw a dart he shouldn't have at Yenno "fuck off you" to his credit, Yenno did reason with the guy, but the drunkard clearly wanted to prove something, not sure what.

He got more aggressive and insisted he wasn't moving, his pint was still full, he picked it up and went to drink it. Yenno removed the glass from his hand with a snap, beer spilled to the floor, the fun had started. I placed a hand on the centre of the guys back and moved him toward the door, he went, but not without a threat of me being sued and this and that.

Then when outside a few racial slurs came, the usual. Me, it didn't faze me in the slightest. Even the taunts of, "theres six of us, you try something etc etc ." I ain't stupid brother...I'm not going to prison for no one, i wasn't even angry, I'm not gonna fight.

Yenno however walked right up to mouthy through the six of them, and headed him face up. "Why don't you say it now I'm in front of you" spiky mumbled some stuff clearly bricking it.
Outside the front of the bar, me and Yenno, and six big dudes in their forties, it could have kicked off there and then, but i think they knew they would have had a scuff on their hands. I'm about as wide as Yenno is tall, and we make a combined sight.

I wouldn't want to take us on personally...they walked off cursing and shouting, we entered the club to a suprise chorus of thank you's from the bar staff...we were just doing our job.

Reflecting back one thing i remember earlier on, is when spiky was giving it large i noted him roll up his jumper sleeves, as if preparing himself for some fisticuffs, this is why i thought tonight was kick off night...but drink, makes you brave, makes you stupid.

All of this has prompted me to review exactly how much force i have and what powers i have when it comes to removing someone, i will look into this again, all i do at the moment is guide people with a hand and for the most part eventually, they start moving, but the time will come when someone won't budge, I've always wondered about this...

The girl returned, the one from earlier, her family had deserted her and she was in tears, really upset, heavily drunk. Swaying form left to right like an old boat. She gripped onto my hand for dear life, constantly apoligising. I took her outside and sat her down. Hoping the cool fresh air would blow some sence into her.

We sat on the steps outside the bar, under the bright blue neon light logo. The streetlights made everything orange, taxi drivers parked outside looked on curious as she sobbed.

I stood beside her. She started crying more. She actually asked me to walk her home but no way, not while she was in this state. This day and age you be a good citizen and you're up in the docks for something or other. Sorry, but fuck that. I guided her to a taxi and she wobbled her way toward it, slamming her hand on its roof for support. She fell in, and It drove off home. Not sure what her story was but i did feel sorry for her in the end...

So that was it, right now I'm trying to rack up enough door hours to seriously live off this as a full time occupation. The pay isn't as good as i was expecting it to be, all these stories of 16 pound and 18pd an hour ain't true. It's good pay, but not quite that much, i think that money is the exceptional clubs or the actual danger zones. But I'm not seeing that kind of dough. Also i need to politely get myself out of this taxi rank marshall shit, because it's not what i want, i will do one more out of politeness and because it's short notice to refuse now for the company i work for but that's it...that's it...

I was thinking of looking into Cash in transit in the daytime until i saw that it's going to be another 245 pound to get the license and then more for the exam. So yeah once again, politely, fuck actual that.

Lets try and get some regular work set. The good thing is, that i do enjoy my job, if it's the right venue, i actually look forward to going to work, so it's not all bad...but is it enough to live off? I'm questioning that.

Entry Number Fourteen: No Flirting

Football game was on, so we were needed to keep the peace at a bar out of town. I escaped the Taxi shit, and thank god. Police on their horses were strutting through the town centre, from first sights, it would have looked like something was going to happen. But from my first time at this town i can already feel things were more relaxed generally than my home town. Lot of excitement over nothing, these little towns love it i think.

No incidents at all, one woman complained up close about two of the other door staff i was with intimidating her husband or some bollox. I apologised sincerly then proceeded to not give a fuck. Give me some action to break up.

AHA ACTION...well...As i stood on the main door a girl started flirting heavy. She was wearing long black socks short schoolgirl style skirt and a tight tight top. I suggested to her that her company should give her some work in my town so she can come down and see me....that's the closest I'll risk to flirting at the moment...cos I'm a new boy I'm still ultra paranoid about someone complaining about me perving off. It's happened to a doorman at the company i work for, a few of them. But my flirt confidence is building. The lines are increasing...you will be updated on this.

Near the end of the night there was a lock out, basically as the fans were leaving the stadium all the bars and pubs along the town centre were closed by the police. Obviously to stop the rowdy lot piling in and pushing over the odd chair or two, and shouting one or two naughty words, such as "bottom" and "willie" the usual.

Anyway, this naturally kept the beer hungry wolves agitated, as a big crowd built in front of me and my colleague...same words, over and over, upset faces, shaking heads and miserable old men looked back at us..the words were "sorry, shut till 8:00 cos of the football people, thanks" one brainiac came up with the suggestion that i "jus open up mate, go oooon" ... "um, no" i threw him through the window......i did not do this..

Drove back to my local town afterwards and did inside at a very popular club in my town, the head doorman wasn't messing about early on but he opened up near the end of the night, guess i was just another newboy doorman to him, fair enough. I literally got told the drill "you fuck up, i will bollock you" fair enough, the club was heaving and there was only four of us inside.

We were positioned at points in the club and rotated, eyes open look for incidents. It was packed but everyone was in very good spirits. The music was old eighties and old no1's so the crowd was a peaceful one even though it was ram jammed. No matter what people say, most of the people in there do respect you, you're there to protect them, and they were all well behaved tonight.
Lots of smiling faces, girls pinching my rear, hugging me sloshed out of their brains.

No incidents the whole night. I initially felt very uncomfortable, all of a sudden the pressure of responsibility hit me, as in, this is what I'm here for, I'm protecting these people. It's no longer a "cool job" it's serious shit sherlock. I loved it. So many times I'd been in the club, looking a the door staff wishing, well, here it was. No indenents, two guys who got a bit loud and had a tiny little push and shove were separated, the banging music blocked out any communication but the dispute ended, and me an my colleague decided to leave them be but keep an eye on them.

I was like a spring near the beginning of the night, ready, by the end my feet were killing me and my thirst was peeling my lips. I was bringing forth saliva in my mouth, and trying to wet the inside of my lips...that didn't work. In all fairness i should have asked the bar staff for a water or something. But as i said, old head boy was a bit of a hawk, i need to make good impressions where ever i work....i could wait.

Despite uncomfortably getting used to the crackling radios, trying to understand what was being said, and not look like a plank squeezing this black walkie talkie to my head with a screwed up face expression plastered over my mug that was it for the night. This is what i wanted, this is the job, and to be honest i love it.

I'm now aiming for a regular spot, my own regular perch, as I'm all over the place at the moment. More soonie.

Entry Number Thirteen: Three Bags Full Sir

Time for reflection, after nearly three weeks of doorwork how do i feel. How is it all going. Well, I've had two depressing weekends of Taxi Marshalling. Which basically involves opening peoples doors, shining their shoes for them, and if needed, licking the crusted dog poo from beneath their shoes, only on a few occasions. Not happy with that one...

I haven't been in a club since the last incident with the hulk, yesterday i was walking around the halls of a massive University as extra security was needed due to a recent incident. Brain dead work, besides a group of wanna be gangsters giving it lip who shouldn't have been on campus that was it, once again...brain dead stuff. Not what I'm ultimately looking to do...

My aim is to get a regular spot inside a club or on the doors, the main company I'm with, I've kind of slipped into the role of a security guard but on better money. Fair enough but it's not what I'm after..put me back in the club like the first two weeks i started. So right now i'm looking to politely bow out with the company i was with, and find myself a solid six days of doorwork a week...

There's a few changes happening very soon with my work bosses etc etc...and I'm back in my original bar on Monday, so i will be back with the reporting. But outside of the sound of my feet walking on pavement for five hours...what else can i write? Back soon...

Oh, and *sigh*

Entry Number Twelve: The Hulk Cometh

Well i wanted it, i got it. I finally got it, the rough and tumble i so foolishly asked for. All of a sudden, it all seems to real...

So I'm out of town tonight, first of all i get lost in the endless spaghetti of roads and junctions and turn offs. It's way out of my Town, a good hour or so. I ring boss number two and inform him. He is fine with it, as long as i get there. I arrive, the club is next to a College, and the students have passed or graduated something or other.

It is going to be a big night. Little did i know it was going to be the biggest night of Bouncing I'd ever done. In many ways....

First i was positioned by the fire exits, a nice big bright deterrent. They made me don a luminous green waist coat saying security. For the most part of the night i was looking around releasing this is it, what I've wanted to do for so long, and i love it. The club was glamorous, icy, flashy. It was packed to the brim. Short pretty girls with stunning make up, tight jeans, hair immaculate. Tonight was definitely dress to impress night for these kids. I'm not sure what the big celebration was but people were coming dresses as fairies, Mars Bars, it was most odd.

A few people trying it by sneaking through the fire exits i was guarding when my attention was caught, or climbing up on sides and platforms they shouldn't be. It really was like telling kids off, it WAS telling kids off.

The club was well designed chairs and tables modern designer, the music loud and pop. Lights lazers, it was a really nice looking club. It was so busy i was scanning around 24/7 my head whipping around when voices got too loud, or when a couple of lads play fighting went on a bit too long for me to be comfortable. But besides the abundance of tempting teenage (18+) flesh nothing really to hold the attention. All i remember feeling was, this is it...i am a bouncer.

Now, by the end of the night, the queue for the coats had grown to a ridiculously large number. There seemed to be people piling out of a magic hole from another dimension when it came to getting their coats. The place could not move, rammed. We set out metal barriers to indicate where the queue was supposed to be formed, eventually everyone gelled into place and a rowdy queue was formed, this was all still inside the club.

Some people however, tried to push their luck and get their belongings first. See i was the unlucky bouncer on preventing people from queue jumping or sneaking around the gates we'd placed. So my ears were treated with the tunes of protest for the most part of that position. "My coat is just there, please can you just get it", etc etc ..."if i let one i let all in love" etc etc For the first time ever, the job became frustrating. Loads of pretty young faces asking for me to just pop into the booth with a ticket and get their coat, forgetting there were several other hundred people asking the same thing.

It later got so rammed near the end of the night when people were collecting their coats, that some girls were getting crushed against the temporary metal railings we had to put up to maintain some kind of order. "Oi! fucking watch it" i shouted in the most professional manner i could muster. The heaving mass of bodies slowly moved backward giving the girls a bit more room. It felt like i was doing security at a Concert as opposed to inside a club, it just had that atmosphere. Mostly Asian faces. The area i thought was a village area, White. Obviously not.

Let me explain, now I'm a big Black dude from a black area, so to me it's essential to know what kind of faces and atmosphere I'm gonna be working at. Race comes into it IMO. Although after drink everyone is pretty much the same, but you have to approach most people different depending on assumptions, stereotypes which in a split second, you sometimes have to make.

We cleared everyone out fine, the club was a dejected mess of plastic bottles and cups, tissues, it looked like a bomb had fell. Good luck cleaning staff. I was half expecting to be asked to start mopping the shit up. I'm sorry there was more important issues we are payed to deal with right? and of course they must have known how this club goes...as we weren't asked to help the barstaff with chairs etc, which sometimes happen, our radios crackeld into life, and we were called outside...

Outside there was a huge gathering, about fifty or so people spread out across a huge park in front of the club. We were asked to move them from the area. The rain was coming down hard. There was an excited look on peoples faces, something was going to pop off. Black faces with hoodies looked around, i took a mental note of their grins, mugs and features. Asians in big groups huddled. The rain increased in intensity. The night wasn't over by a long shot...

I look to my left and one of my collegues is on the floor, scuffling with an asian boy, he couldnt have been over 19. Skinny, three of his mates were standing around trying to put a few fists and boots in. Pow, i steamed in and lifted the boy off my collegue, gripped him up as he was swinging about wildly and moved him away from the area as requested by another doorman. "He jus started on me for no reason man. He just come at me man" He shouted. The rain seem to increase in ferocity as the nights action peaked. God was watching?

Another fight next to me breaks out, and one of my collegues trys to restrain another Asian boy, this boy shorter, they spin in a circle scuffling i run over and see my collegue place a juicy uppercut into the boys stomach. Not needed IMO, but quick descisions are made at times. Fine. He twisted around the boy, and managed to grip him up by the time i got over there. I saw the punch from my collegue, and it was the first time really the reality and ugliness of this job hit in.

I'm working with thugs for the most part who love a scrap.

Now, i thought i was there to try and diffuse the situation and whip out the old fists at the last minute if needed, not just pop one in for the fun. the crack. I wouldn't hit anyone specially smaller than me unless i absloutely had to, really to defend myself. It was interesting to see. The whole scene was straight out of the Bouncer programmes they show on TV. Bright orange jackets falling. Scuffling...it was messy. And i was there in the middle....and then...

"YOU FUCKIN PUSSY, COME ON YOU FUCKING PUSSY" The biggest, and i mean, the biggest human being that walked the earth stormed over toward us. He was going for someone in the crowd, but the doorstaff including me were spread out in front of his target. Me and a tall white collegue instantly moved in, and tryed to calm the monster down.

No word of a lie, my adrenalin turned to fear of being fucking hit by this dude for the first time on my job. I went in ready for it. He was about 6'5 so stood over me. He must have weighed about 25 stone, he was visciously overweight, and he was fuming, i'd never been next to someone so angry and ready to fight in my life before. But i needed this early, to jump the mental hurdle.

My collegue tried to restrain him with one arm and lead him away from the clubs grass area, he wasn't going, "Can you fucking grab him please" He shouted to me, i placed a long arm over the guys massive chest and tried to push him back, this monsters face had turned from a golden Asian brown to beet root red, someone has pissed him off majorly, and he wasn't afraid to let them know he thought that they were a small feline. Many times.

He started swinging, me and my colleague were almost like two gnomes being thrown about by the Evil Giant, gripping onto his arms so we didn't go flying off into space. The big guy rocked me with a shot to my ribs, it had no force or didn't land right. So i wasn't backing off. He wanted a fight back i didn't give it. One because if I'd have got caught with those fists i don't think I'd have got back up, and two i have nothing to prove. I remained determined to get the guy away from the premises as instructed, i didn't want it to go to the ground i wanted him out by the main road.

By now blue lights could be seen in the distance. Someone had called the police. The guy thunders way from us now, as his target was spotted legging it past us while we were in the ruck. His target escaped and the bear calmed down. All the while my brain is preparing myself for a thump to the nose, i mean of all people, did i have to be hit by someone blatantly bigger than me? But i was proud to say i overcome the fear in a split second.

Remember, I'm not a fighter, i was a Office Manager in my last job, my last scrap was when i was a kid. So it's more challenging for me, then it is for dude who street fight like everyweek as standard after a beer and Kebab.

Later on the guy apologized, and shook hands with my colleague, i was standing right next to him waiting for a quick head butt to be planted and ready to pounce if so...it didn't happen.

Now, the thing is about the night. The one thing that will always stick with me. Is that there was a team of about what 10 doorstaff overall? and the only two trying to stop this monster was me and the other guy. I actually saw the others look on in fear, they later laughed and joked about how they were bricking it. Ok, fair enough. I was fucking bricking it too, I'm sorry I'm not a fighter and this guy was huge, I'm not stupid.

I needed to face someone like this early on, get it out of the way. But my point is, they could have stood around for back up. No one else was kicking off, most of the crowd had ran, only the guys friends remained. But the door staff were visibly shook, scared and weren't even close to help.

I am very very lucky i didn't get a Hulk sized fist in the kisser. It was coming, but because i wouldn't get into a fight unless i had to defend myself or my colleague it didn't happen. Last night was easily the closest I'd been to a whack. I was just a bit disappointed more experienced door staff than me were standing around looking, scared. And me, the new boy was right in there trying to restrain the beast. I guess different areas have different ways of working. And i may be back there next week...will i go? fuck yeah.

I needed to be challenged with an opponent who was bigger, and more intimidating than me to see how i reacted. I'm not even gonna lie, my gut was screaming "walk the other way Dee" there was many a corner, or alley way i could have slipped down, walked round the back of the club and stood twiddling my thumbs, whistling a bird morning song, while the ruckas kicked off elsewhere. Which is the route i think a few of the other Wussies i worked with took. But i was there, ready to get popped, in the thick of it...well done me....

I was the new boy from way out of town and i saw how another crew works, i think it's going to be good to stay with the people you know, you can be sure of. But i liked the challenge in a way. It almost felt like the big guy was there to test me, to see if I'd break.

I walked to my car the rain still screaming down. I was soaked through. I reflected on the night for a few minutes as the engine heated my drenched body up. I wiped my face of the rain, and decided to myself...i love this job. Started my engine and headed off for the long journey back home.

Entry Number Eleven: "You Don't Know Me"

It's official, I've been given four regular days at the biggest bar in my town...yip yip yeeeeeee....this is good. Very good. Basically tonight Dean had his Godfather like hawky eyes on me all night. When i arrived he was plonked at a table in the bar, long doorman jacket on, surrounded by about seven people. His face illuminated a cool blue from his hi tech laptop. He looked like the big man, big business.

The night, quiet, the usual, hats off please, my Sweet barmaidy was in, i haven't got in there yet, but with the regular days at what will now be my regular bar which is called "Extra" now established, i can craft a cunning plan to bag her like shopping. She is extremely pretty, I'm also starting to get an eye for the head bar lady. I don't know her name but she showed me about first night, and seems to be the most friendly, i like her. These are important issues, and they must and will be resolved.

Yvonne, Jelly bean came down with her best friend, and her best friends sister who was suprisingly attractive, never seen her before. It was Yvonnes best friends Birthday, they were out to drink much alcho pop, and sweet liqueur. Tonight was like an unofficial tester night from the boss. He was there, it was only me patrolling, someone else hadn't turned up. I had to do good. Yvonne bouncing around drunk screaming my name had me wanting to retract into my leather coat turtle style in shame, but she wasn't too bad. She was just more over excited to see my "Yellow Arm band" With my face in it. She plucked and probed at it strapped around my arm like a bad wart or spot. She was fascinated.

A group of ladies in their mid 30's were having a flirt with the big hunky doorman...me. And they also gave a good review to Dean for me which i appreciated.

Overall another quiet night ..... until .....

Always happens right near the end of the night, makes sense i suppose, the booze would have been flowing. This Head bar lady, i will find out her name. Casually walked past me as i was staring into space and said "give Erwin a hand if he needs it Dee" in a cool calm manner. I turned my head expecting to see Erwin having trouble with some plates or a balancing a few difficult beer glasses, i mean the manner in which she dropped it "oh, give Erwin a hand if he needs it Dee" I turn my head and Erwin is bear hugging an Asian guy from behind piling him through the bar and out the doors...BANG....i get outside to see the guy thrown to the floor but protected by Erwin. The guy touched down in a nice puddle that innocently reflected the orange street lights before his body destroyed it.

Outside Dean is there trying to diffuse the situation. Erwin and the Guy are going at it. "You don't know who i am, or who i know blood, i swear" The guy cries "You don't know who i know" This seems to be a common verbal dart thrown I'm seeing. Some kind of variant on it. I swear you don't know who i know. Etc. Now...Dean is a fighter. And this guy was going at Dean hard. I'm standing next to Dean, ready for someone to throw a quick fist and it all to start kicking off. I'm trying to read this guys face who is explaining about who his family knows and this and that to dean, and I'm twitching ready for something to jump off. Not really wanting it to but there, ready and present if it did. This is my job. This is why the pay is good. One of the guys friends emerges from the shadows, a lanky black fella with a baseball cap, holding a blue carrier. "Ey what's going on here man" he grumbles in an African accent. I walk him away from the situation...

Inside my stomach all i felt was a feeling of letting my natural responses happen if it kicked off there and then. I didn't feel fear, i felt the pulse of adrenalin work it's way through my body and i also felt...i could do with cross training. My current Martial Art is a grapping / locks and holds one. I don't know how to strike, and i will need to in this job, better now then never, so i am considering another striking art, Sundays. I will give this some serious thought tommorow and get the ball rolling with this...

For now though another night..each night gets closer to the big "pop off" as I've just this very second decided to call it. Let's have a nice big ugly ruck so i can get it done with huh? Oh yeah, the recommendation from the group of mid thirties ladies...they love me. That's always gotta be good for the boss to hear. So...Fucking Thumbs Up Innit. Onto tommorow, out of town.

Entry Number Ten: Please Remove Your Hat Madam

And so this is it. A job offer i had today for a fairly good office position, i dumped like a steaming pile of cow dung, to become a doorman full time. Basically this is the dilly. The hours i work on the doors, and the hours i would work in the office would almost overlap! Basically I'd have two hours bloody sleep. Ridiculous Rodney. Ridicul-ASS. So no.

I went personally today to the offices of the job i was offered, turned it down, made some bullshit excuse and walked away from the building a full time doorman. No more office work for me. Risky, but someone who can get me work is the brother of one of my longest friends, so i think i made the right choice. So this is it...i have work for tomorrow, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday i'm now officially a full time doorman.

Tonight i was back in the same club i was in Saturday, except the tables and chairs were out, it was a quiet night and easy money son. Dean wasn't there, no one was beside the bar staff and a few people, so i was kind of wandering around like a Lemon at first, till one of the bar staff, the head i think came out and gave me a quick heads up. Stern face lady in her late thirties.

I came to realise fast, Dean has his own way of working, and it's very loose. Either he assumed i was an experienced door person because i LOOK the part...or, i don't know. But i wasn't told who to report to, what to do, where to do it...but i'm used to order in my pervious jobs, Doorwork is a bit more...well, once again...LOOSE... only way i can describe it.

Ok I've found my first real target, a bar woman, wow, she is unsurprisingly foreign, as i said with regards to the Bar staff in my townpreviously. Slovakian, Lithuanian, Polish, Kosovan, i will put money on the fact she ticks one of those boxes.

She was gorgeous, short brown hair in a ponytail. Immaculate face, almost china doll like, very subtle make up. Wow, my eyeballs were physically pulled from my head and stuck to her... if i can get regular work at this Bar then I'm onto her. Lemme find out her STATUS. I smell the sweet tang of human meat, i'm going in.

After being introduced to Yenno, a 6'5 lanky dark skinned Jamaican guy who was real friendly, gave me the heads up. We basically got going.

Only two incidents, well three if you include me being kissed on the lips by a gorgeous beauty who said i was too cute to be a doorman - as an incident. I was just standing there and she asked me to escort her to the ladies, i did so. Then she explained how she was from out of town, looking where to go next, i suggested the spots i'd be in if i wasn't working and she went to check them out.

She was stunning, like a model. Black girl, nice and short, but the lift underneath the scarf and big coat she was wearing suggested breastage. She planted a kiss on my lips and called me Handsome. "Too cute to be a doorman" well my little pixie, i would agree.

Theres a no hats policy, this applies to all. Not just black fellas in hoodies or baseball caps bowling around. In my eyes, no hats means no hats. One or two people genuinely forgot. A polite motion to their head and it's removed. But this one lady who reminded me of a grand 1940's actress. You know the ones, they have the long black gloves and those long tubes with a cigarette on the end, those kind of glamorous ladies. Flossy flossy. Well, she was sitting with a short red faced bald guy and i had to do it...in fact Yenno my partner for the night thought it would be amusing to see how i handled this number...over i bop...

"Hi sorry to interrupt, would you be able to remove your hat please madam" I ask with a smile. She places her hands on her big furry superstar hat "but my hair is greasy" she says "I understand, but rules are rules" She looks up at me laughs, and continues drinking. Her eyes slowly rise to meet mine again... I'm still standing there looking.

Her, i assume, husband stands up, all 5'2 of him. Face beetroot from the no doubt fine drinks they were consuming. "You must be having a laugh, this is Britain mate" he blurts.
Now, um, I'm not sure what country we both happen to currently be living in has anything to do with taking your hat off in a bar, but he wanted to inform me all the same. After a few more requests, and my looming presence over their table like a big rooted black statue, they got up and left. "Tell your manager he's a fucking cunt" the man said, as his wife peacocked out the doors. Mumbling words to the effect of "we wont be back again" or something...the words care less came to mind...

There's a famous tramp around our town, he always begs begs begs. Not the usual dejected head down sitting outside Debenhams with a cup asking for change begging. I'm talking full on walking up to people and asking for two, three quid. Right in their face. Now, this dudes been doing this for as long as I've lived in the town. It's shameful, embarrassing, and i wasn't up for it happening on my shift. I'm trying to make a good impression. Me walking over to the table he was begging at was enough.

Baseball cap, long dreadlocks, the same clothes, and a guitar on his back, he saw me and walked off the other way without question. I told the table to tell me if he come back and I'll throw him out so fast he'll travel actually fucking forward through time...of course, i didn't say that exactly, but my words assured them. He also stank very strongly of urine.

Near the end of the night a chubby blonde girl ran over to us "theres an argument over there" we were so bored out of our brains, it's a monday night, we switched off a bit, there couldn't have been more than fifteen people in by the end of the night. We walked over and a tall old dude who was apparently a doorman was mouthing off toward two younger lads. One was leaving anyway, i walked him out slowly while the older men at the bar continued the verbal dagger throwing. Once outside Yenno spoke first...

"First things first, there's CCTV right there" He pointed toward the beedy camera, peeping at the six of us. The two lads actioned toward the older guys, but i opened both arms and the impression of a barrier was enough for them. Beer and bad breath spoke to me close up, too close...i backed him off and reasoned with him, but not within earshot of the other two older men. Me and Yenno were ready for a kick off.

The blah blah continued as they got into the taxi. One of the boys, the baseball capped one was a little too close to me for my liking, i have a zone, a head butt zone i call it, and he was in it. But no spice to this one, the lads got into a waiting taxi...apparently one of the older guys is gonna get his throat cut...the taxi drove off....

A very quiet night, i already decided i like the hustle and bustle of that Saturday night. But the cash I've made for just standing about to be honest is silly. Good good money. Tommorow I'm back in the same place again. Plonked. Wednesday should be interesting. I'm out of town, so i have to drive there, and I'm shit with maps and shit. I will have to see if i can borrow one of these new fangled Tom Tom Gizmos the boffins have constructed for the Automobile. Then I'm somewhere else outside of town Friday and sat...

Within two weeks of door work Erwin got beaten to the floor by four guys ashtrayed and a bop in the nose. Now i don't want this, but, i want to know how i react when i get down and dirty, time will tell.

Entry Number Nine: Sorry Glover

I'm sitting watching X Factor in me boxers, a nice healthy Kebab in front of me. Just about to get going on the Booze to get ready for tonights mayhem. It was my leaving do and I'd invited all my old work lot down who live out of town, for some enjoyable alcoholic beverages. So I'm glued to the screen as normal when X-Factor is on...

My phone rings...It's Dean...the Top Dog Doorman with the handshake from last night, calling me?!?!? so soon...

"Dee, it's Dean" says the smooth voice "Ah yes Bruv you cool?" i blurt curious "Yeah i need you tonight, get down here" I pause for two seconds, my brain goes through one thousand thoughts calculations scenarios and then my mouth automatically answers "No problem boss" "ASAP Dee" He says cooly "Yes, can you give me forty five mins?" I ask "Right, make sure you're suited and booted all black alright?" "Yeh no problem Dean, I'll be there, thanks man" Phone clicks, He's gone...

I sit still, frozen, mouth open, Kebab meat falling from my gaping jaw in slow motion. It wasn't fear, but it was definitely unprepared-ness-ness that i felt...the feeling lasted for all of two seconds. I shot up rummaged through my draw for my black tie, trousers, coat and i was in the car.

I made good time, and only got there a few minutes after i said to Dean i would. After all it was last minute, he'd understand. "You're late, get over the road, you're needed at Sherry (A Club) Erwin is on the door" Erwin is the big dude with the baseball cap i met the day before.

Now during the drive down, when walking from the car park through the icy cold town centre lit up late, to approaching the bar, my mind was buzzing, just buzzing over with how to throw a good punch, how to drop a good tackle on some motherfucker. It's been a while. Also i was thinking about the basics, how to greet everyone else, was i honestly really ready...of course not. But I'd made an impression on Dean, he had actually called me the next day, and i had to dump everyone coming down to meet me unfortunately.

In all reality it was a no brainer, there was no way i could turn this one down. It was an actual floating Diamond in front of me...and it was priceless...this was it, my first real night as a Doorman.

I walked up to Sherry, a basic size bar, more a stop off point between two of the bigger bars in town. It was pretty much empty. Erwin greeted me with a big smile on his friendly round head and we shook. "This is it dude, here we go" Erwin gave me some on the Job training. Some basic holds, some basic locks, the dress policy, etc etc . "Be confident big man, thats all you need, confidence from there on in, it's in the hands of God" God...great. God has his off days with me so i can't always rely on that old boy. I looked down at my fists. "I'll rely on them badboys first" i thought quietly.

The girls. So so so many girls. The bars/clubs in the town have mostly Lithuanian, Slovakian, Kosovan and Polish barmaids. I don't know why or how, but they all seem to look stupidly pretty. Tonight was no exception. A tall girl, face depressingly stunning, long neat blonde hair, and a backside from actual actual heaven. She floated past surrounded by a warm shimmeting glow of perfection. Gave a big hug to Erwin and a smile to me.

I saw the girls from work I'd invited down from out of town, i hadn't really had a chance to tell anyone i can't make my own leaving do, one of them walked past, and double taked..."Dee!" she said, she looked very very pretty, all blonded up, black figure hugging shorts. Big baby eyes. I had been trying to get with her on and off at my old job for a while but she has a lot of men on her case and fuck that shit. Not for me, we are good friends though. She's very young (compared to me)

After it was established i wouldn't actually be turning up to my own leaving do the girls made their own arrangements in town. I later let them in although one of them looked underage and had no I.D. Her blatantly underage face looking up at me, black make up rich on her pleading eyes. I motioned them in. Erwin saw i knew them and didn't say a word, just smiled knowingly. First night abusing the system already.

Lots of pretty girls bouncing around town and passing through our little bar. One girl in particular, she was Lutonian and extremely pretty, short thing, looked like Christina Aguelera flirted with me all night. In front of her boyfriend like. Most uncomfortable i must say.
She kept popping outside giggling like a wind up toy, standing next to me for hugs, speakin' "rasta" to try and impress me, generally being a great blonde, plucked from the Default Blonde book. She was brilliant, if she wasn't with her boyfriend i would have stepped up the flirt and met with the young lady at another time for tea and cakes, but that didn't feel professional on my first night on the doors but she was so cute, like a perfect little package. She was 22 as well nice age, black jeans...tight. Hmmmm, perhaps i SHOULD have taken her information for future research. Balls.

After about thirty minutes i was settled in. The freezing cold biting at us but the sight of virtually naked ladies strutting through town in packs was enough to keep the smiles on our faces. The punters coming in were no trouble at all. A few young faces who needed I.D. couple of trainer checks, one search, no problems whatsoever. A Drunk guy in a wheelchair was the only fella to give us a bit of mouth near the end of the night as he left. "S'fuckin shit in thEre anD DooRStaff arE A WasTE Of tiMe" He slurred. We both loked at him in silece..."Have a good night sir" i said back smiling, he grumbled to himself as he wheeled off. "That was an easy night for you Dee, which some Doormen like, some dont. But now? we go over to Extra, Deans domain"

Erwin was cool the whole night, kept me calm, very friendly, and I'm lucky he was on the doors with me for my very first job. Some of his pretty Slovakian friends invited me over for breakfast the next day, one short one with Brown hair caught my eye, but apparently most of these girls are Deans...so i think I'll sit back and wait, no rush, i can control my Dick. I don't fancy getting actually Karate Kicked by my own boss on the first day.

The standard introduction of meeting the Doormen took place. Within minutes Dean took me aside from Erwin and introduced me to a large white bro, i forgot his name completely, looked in his forties, a thin goatee and large wall of a forehead. He basically told me where to stand and what area to patrol for the next three to four hours and that was it. Off i was...real indoor bouncing, no one by my side, the bar packed. People bumping, up close, eyeing me, smiling at me, i was the security in the club for that little patch i was plonked in.

Now 'Extra' was heaving, i mean packed to the brim, I'm bad with head counts but i wouldn't have been shocked if the number was over five hundred tonight. It can hold a thousand people when the other rooms are opened. There were about five of us on the floors.

And so it began. My first interaction... one guy in a grey shirt spiky hair and deep bags under his eyes, youngish dopey face was piling through the crowd. Bumping them aside like bowling pins. Leaving a trail of confused and offended faces in his way, "I'm not 'avin that" i thought to myself in my best Micheal Cain. i gently approached him, and asked him to go easy with the bumping and have a good night. He smiled, genuinely drunk out of his tree but not enough to eject...in my baby like judgement anyway. I let him go on his way, he sobered up near the end of the night fine. My first potential problem. I loved, the responsibility.

A row where a woman pushed a short Asian man, i couldn't hear what was going on but i was in there like a bee...no, a large Wasp...running. Another Doorman was there by the time i got there, the situation was handled.

My eyes flicked through the crowd all night, i was there, this was it. From the Office to the Doors...or dance floor in this case but you get the picture I'm going with here. I was getting my "Arnie On" looking at faces as advised by Erwin and Eddie, reading situations and besides some really entertaining dancing by a mixed race guy who was giving it some. A large portion of the night was trouble free, it was playing my kind of Music as well, which was always good. I was silent though, didn't even bop my head.

I saw some Doormen really going for it dancing in a bar Eddie took me around yesterday. On the stairs in their bright green jackets both dancing with the crowd. Already i know that's not how I'm going to work. Personal choice. I'm very friendly, i lost count of the amount of times i got offered a hand to shake, even a drink by some guy....hmmmmmm....

Anyways I love having a little chat with the people. But I'm not lifting both hands up dancing like a physical prick while I'm working, it will get my head out of the zone, it doesn't look friggin right, busting a groove on the dance floor as a doorman? i feel it's un professional but most of all, it makes you look too easy. To happy and too "off the job in hand" someone could take advantage of that.

Nah, just a very subtle head nod for me if that, besides that I'm planted on the spot occasionally smiling, or nodding in acknowledgement if i get eye contact with a harmless raver but besides that, I'm there for a reason...and Dean was zipping about all night watching me too.

I was loving it, in my element, no fear whatsoever. I'm human, i could have gone into this shaking like Scooby Doo. I'm not a fighter, just a big guy who can get down in the dirt if i need to. But i could have gone either way with nerves i guess. But i was loving this, good night...
Until...

Three Black guys in the corner who initially were just very drunk getting a bit over excited but generally having a good time kicked off. I spotted them earlier, and had one eye on them for most of the night, they were doing nothing but having fun until i heard shouting. ALARM BELLS...my brain ticks into gear, Adrenalin pumps through my body i flick my head around and one of the Doormen, once again i forget his name, Tall lanky Asian was trying to reason with one of the bigger guys, the oldest of the three, in his forties, maybe fifties. All i saw was him trying to lead him out but the guy not leaving.

I asked my collegue if he was cool? "You good brother?" Sean Kingston singing in the background masked his response, but it looked like a yes. I didn't want to intrude, i walked away as to not seem like i didn't have faith in him to do his job, a kind of respect but i got it wrong...whoops "Oi!! Oi!!!" he pleaded, obviously the situation which didn't look too bad needed a second hand, to be fair the old man wasn't budging. My man wanted him out? Then as far as i was concerned, he was gone.

I placed my hand on his lower back and applied pressure to indicate movement, his movement, out of the bar. I asked him to leave...his smaller partner in crime looked at me in disappointment. An almost "come on black man what are you doing to your own people" kind of look. Sorry, fuck actual that. What I'm doing is getting payed to Eject your Dad, Uncle or older best friend brother was my "non verbal" response. He wouldn't leave, boom, i put my weight behind the fella and walked him with the Lanky doorman helping me. All the time this old mans animated face screaming at me "Don't push me, I'm leaving I'm leaving" He looked like Danny Glover......Danny Glover? lethal weapon??? He was 6ft something and built, just had an ageing face. This wasn't some shuddering feeble old boy.

Once we got near to the front door, i stepped back into my zone. I could have right then got a head butt, a punch from his buddies or anything. I only thought about this after the event. I never found out what the old man did. It wasn't my job to ask.

Some entertaining dancing by very drunk White people, to which i felt myself smiling at, and i think even busting a small giggle to and that was pretty much it. The perks are definately the views. Being sober in that environment, you do appreciate the particularly finer looking ladies. Once I'm settled in, I'm gonna switch my flirt game up. I got more than a few friendly glances from the ladies in there...but yeh that was it........*long pause*..............UNTIL

I look down on the dance floor and Dean was arguing with a short but fat and stocky Black dude. I piled through the Dancefloor, just to make sure my presence was known, Dean knew i was there. But Dean can handle himself. I placed a hand on the Black guys fleshy back and he lashed out at me without looking who i was or what i was doing, i ducked the open hand slap and pushed.

A what looked like FURIOUS dean dragged the guy out by the actual fat around his neck it looked like and that was that...i walked off, to my little spot in the middle, and that was it. I now know i have no fear of getting in there, in the meat of the sandwich. I'd be a pretty shit doorman if i did have the fear though, being honest. But i had to know.

I met up with the girls i initially invited out later and that was pretty much the end of my night. Dean signalled me over "Go home now Dan" i signed out, shook his hand and he said "I will give you a call tommorow Dee" smiled and gave me a thumbs up. I think i did good for my first night. I got the seal of approval.

It's also worth noting the Lanky Asian dude i helped out verbally thanked me for backing him up and bought me a J20 later on in the night. So the first small respect level was there. I in turn of course now expect him to have my back, which as I'm learning fast, will be as standard. I am the new boy remember.

I didn't get any or ask about money. I'm not desperate for it right now, i will give it a week, and then politely ask. Right now i feel I'm proving myself. And I'm fine with that.
How did i feel, my first night of Doorwork? I loved it. So I've got in the thick with a few confrontations, could have got hit. Now all i need to do is get hit.

I haven't been hit in a long long time and that was only once, and i don't fight. I keep myself to myself so, the question remains, do i have a beautiful pretty glass jaw, or an ugly fucking brick and steel monstrosity of alower face... time will tell...

Dean wants me on the doors tommorow night...maybe I'll find out then? As i type this my phone is in front of me, and my suits and boots ready...

Entry Number Eight: White Pub

This is my unofficial first night. What did i think about all this then? I think i haven't even begun to get a grasp of what this is all going to involve. I took along a girl from my old work with me who knows the doorman who i was going to be with for the night, Eddie, she ended up by my side as part of the tour as well. She reminds me of a jelly bean, thats had it's excitement levels wound up so much, it can't stand still. Imagine a hyper active wasp stuck inside a jelly bean, zipping around inside it...that's similar to Yvonne.

So's... after finding the location, a back street pub/bar we step out into the evil cold and head for the back street drinker. My mind is cool, and calm, i think because I'm so comfortable with the envioronment that helps. I'm out three four nights a week normally, when I'm in my single phases, where i 'ave no bird, I'm out three four nights raving. Not sure why, trying to desperately cram in all my last days of dancing before 30? Sometimes it all seems so sad.

I ask Yvonne if this is a black / white / asian / pub. She don't know, i walk in, i'm the only black face in there, country music is playing and it's kareoke night.... it's not an Asian pub. Was a friendly atmosphere, all obviously regulars, you could tell. I'm not a pub person, i can count on both hands the amount of times I've been in a pub. I can't really explain why, i just don't like the environment. The closed in cage feeling if something kicks off. The regulars, i don't know, hard to explain, marmite.

We had a walk around the pub, it was fairly large compared to pubs I'd been in before, all the while Eddie was explaining to me about face expressions, spotting people in a crowd, being aware, where to find cocaine residue...it was there as he predicted. To be honest, it was perfect. Like hands on job experience. The whole course / exam thing i done, bless it, was useless. I mean to be there, feel it, be ready to pounce if needed...and advice from someone who's actually been there, been through it. I wish I'd bought along some thick rimmed nerd spectacles and a note book, serious, this stuff i was being told was gold.

A 6'4 dude walks in with a baseball cap, chubby white guy, towering. Eddie introduces him, Erwin. This guy was top. Friendly, doorman of 6 years, we walked around the pub speaking for a good two hours straight. About taking a punch, about rapport with people, who to work for who not to work for, basic arm locks and holds. Of which i need to learn before i even start on my own. I realised i was never taught how to hold someone? and I'm a qualified doorman? If it kicked off i had no idea how to get someone physically away from me. How could i not know this yet have my badge? It's my job to know how to eject people if needs be, yet i was never taught in my training..how to eject people. I can throw some good punches but i need to know more than being able to scrap. None of this i know...

As a Doorman, and remember these people in the pub had no clue this was my first night, you see the respect you get. To be fair, it was a nice pub, people friendly, very drunk havin' a laugh. I need to get in there with the dirt of it. I need to get hit, i haven't been hit for a long long long time. I'm not a fighter i don't fight. I'm just a big dude. But Erwin seemed cool, he's now manager of probably the biggest bar in town. But it all seemed very networky. Everyone knew everyone else.

My disadvantage in all this is that I'm a guy whos kept myself to myself. I have no reputation, cos i don't do dirt. I'm 5'11, about 15 stone, tattoos the works. I look like I'm a nasty bastard, but i ain't. I'm a family man who needs some extra money legally. Like good money quick. Doorwork. Soon I'm gonna be known, i accept that as a standard procedure but i ain't looking forward to having to watch my back outside of work but...i kind of knew all this was coming...
So, the pub closes, night ends. Besides one particularly lary gent arguing with his girl me and Eddie sorted peacefully, and a big bald man falling off his stool, aided by the fun juice he was consuming like there was no more on earth. It was a quiet night. Oh yeh, skinny man, trying to pinch Eddies man boobs...that was it.

We all got in the warmth of my baby, and drove down to the main town. It's November and very cold. It was a Friday night but as Thursday is the new Friday, Xmas is coming, and it's cold enough to freeze Satans dinkle, no one is out. The bar we went to, one of the bar staff i had a "fing" wiv for a while, she wasn't there. God damn it i wanted her to see me shine!!! They had completely changed it since i was last there. The HipHop room i think has gone, the inside was just all cut out into one big club. Green and purple, lazer lights washed over us, and big looming pictures of painted women and the clubs logo lined the walls. It was fairly empty for such a huge club, and for a Friday night.

I got introduced to a man who is possibly the tallest human being I've ever seen in my life, African dude, spikes in his hair, friendly warm smile, and a big broad face. I give him daps all the time when i was out raving, now, being led round by Eddie. I'm becoming part of the whole doorman team for my town. It's scary, as well as fucking exciting... all the while the excited Jelly Bean? remember her? is tagging along. Loving being taken on a tour by two big hunks of actual corned beef. Lucky girl.

We then went to my regular bar, my home, I'm here three nights a week, four nights sometimes. Theres a friendly, but very very rough, Asian dude on the doors i bin speaking to about my license for months now. He gave me a knowing smile and handshake when he saw me with Eddie. We both mentally said to each other "finally" many a drunk night I've stumbled out there to him complaining that my license is takin so long. When in reality, compared to stories of 6 months, 4 months, i got mine quick time.

I saw all my little girlies i dance with, who all knew i was gonna be on the doors soon. And it felt nice. I was the man. I'm sorry, I'm only writing as i feel. It felt nice brother / and or sister, it felt nice. Once again Eddie told me what to look for, how to get a feel for things, judge people. My little regular, i know like the back of my hand, so I'm comfortable there. But they have about five six door staff a night as theres always, ALWAYS fights there.

One night me and my crew of gangster rappers saw six scraps in one night. Including watching the whole bar duck as a spinning wineglass flew though the air like a graceful swan...that's spinning. It's a rough bar to go to three nights a week but I've never ever had any trouble. In fact, I've never had any trouble in my life besides what two occasions, which is what I'm concerned about. Martial arts three nights a week doesn't count for anything really, lets be fair, of course it's better to know some than nothing, but...on the street?

Onto another bar, very very popular mostly all white bar. Plays cheesy pop music and eighties rubbish. The poor short spiky haired white guy on the doors hugging his mug of cocoa looked like he'd had enough to be honest. Long night I'm guessing. Bumped into a few of Eddies mates had a look around and got a feel again for the people. It is worth noting that the whole night i didn't even pay attention to the good looking girls, my main concern was what where when and who to do if and when it all kicked off, even though officially it wasn't my shift. Being honest all of this was invaluable and Eddie didn't have to do it.

Then on to the biggest bar in the town, by far the most popular besides my regular. It is always heaving in there, tonight was no exception. The layout is huuge, theres a sit down restaurant area too. And this place regularly has around 10 doorman throughout the bar, just to give you an indication of the size.

We marched through the throng to a quiet corner to meet Dean. This guy has a reputation throughout Luton as the main Doorman to go to. He's been on the doors for about twenty years, is a former pro Karate Champion, and you can see the battle written all over his face. His upper body was as wide as fucking jumbo jet wings. But he was still small enough to be zippy and quick on his feet. While of course, you're getting popped in the nose and or teeth area.

I'd heard about him before I'd even started any kind of Doorwork, or applying for doorwork. He was about 5'6 a thin black buzz of hair, and a battered face but not enough to deter the several ladies that were surrounding him as he consumed some kind of fruit and then shot game. His handshake almost broke my hand, it was like an Iron Clamp...that's the thing i will always remember about him. Even though i towered over him, my handshake must have been about as solid as a wet weed, i wasn't expecting that kind of grip. It said 'Top Dog' "you have a license big man?" He asked me off the bat. I nodded. He reached into his pocket and passed me a phone. I put my digits in, he missed called me, and there it was..i now had the Top Dog of Lutons Number. I wasn't sure what to do with it, when to call it or what to say...but i would soon, very soon. Find out.

After a short introduction to all the doormen on the doors that was it, the end of my Mini Tour. Eddie did not have to do this but he did, and i respect him for it. I had so much information in my head from the night, so much buzzing so many questions but i had time to absorb it. Take it in, sit on it, soak in it, cook it, roast it, simmer it and lie back then start on the doors in a few weeks, or a week, once I'd got some more proper training right? Wrong.

Entry Number Seven: On The Doors Tonight?

I'm on the doors tonight. Well, kind of. The Doorman dude at work, Eddie, offered to show me the ropes, said i could stand with him for an hour on the doors of a pub where he bounces on a Friday night.

At the time of writing, it's freezing, above the possible dangers, confrontations and other violent, bloody scenarios. All i can think of at the moment is my balls freezing off into icy ornaments for some ones table. If i may say so, it is cold as a mother fucker at the moment. My flat mate is trying to grow icicles from the ceiling here, and it's working, so i know how cold it's going to be outside.

I have a big leather coat, but it's got no buttons on it, but i can't afford to buy a coat at the moment, tonight not only is it my first night on the doors in any capacity, it's also the night i might be taking out a lovely lady from work. So money is not an option. There's none there. Anyway it should be an interesting experience tonight if it all actually happens.

Was "webbing" for an agency to join in my town, and i think I've found one, I've heard a lot of good things about them, and I'm keen to get going. I've got several job offers happening at the moment but all of these are temporary things until i can do doorwork full time. I don't want to be sitting behind a desk no more. I wanna touch people, i want to feel humanity. So...

My next steps are finishing off this xbox game, shaving, bopping to work for a half day (job interview for some non door related shit) , then getting ready for tonight. I have a big feeling inside of a big stinking let down happening, but what the fuck, i don't know what I'm expecting, or what i want to happen really. I'm just goin in 'ead first and closing my eyes.

Of course my non existant fans.. i will report all tommorow...

Blap Blap

Entry Number Six: Licence Granted!

Case status Licence Granted

Your application has been at this stage since 2007-11-13

(1 working days ago).
A letter confirming that your licence application has been successful has been dispatched on the above date. This letter confirms the sector and role for which you are licensed, together with the expiry date and conditions of the licence.
Front line licence holders receive a licence card, and this card will be dispatched separately by post two working days after the above date

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Yahooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Yahooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Yahooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Yup yup yup. I h ad a weird dream, i had a weird dream. I dreamt that my licence arrived in the post. I ripped it open like a fat kid ripping open a Mars Bar packet... and it contained my licence, except at the top, it had the name of one my best friends, instead of mine. My heart sank...

It was this dream that inspired me to wake up and log on to the SIA web site to see the above beauty. Oh man, this feels good. So...how long now then. What happens now. Well, first, most important thing, is a BOOZE FUELLED NIGHT OUT TO CELEBRATE WOOP WOOP!

Then i need to phsycally hold the bastard in my hands. Smell that plastic, savour that shit. Then after that find out how i go about getting work and getting on the doors.

I was speaking to one of the young lads at work who's uncle is head doorman of a local club/bar very popular in my town. He passed me this Head Doormans mobile, but then proceeded to tell me stories of this gent ripping peoples lips off and punching them in the nose and claiming self defense...

I thought to myself "oh, thats a bit nasty innit" realising, this is the world I'm entering. I won't stoop to those levels though. In a way i might be to much of a good guy for doorwork. Just cos I'm just off 6 foot and a good old weight, doesn't mean i have that instinct or... rip off someones lip-factor thats needed. We shall see...

First things first...i need to sort out work, where to get it, and how to get it. There is a doorman at work I'm gonna have a chat to today. Will fill you in on the convo...

Er....ah yeh....Yahoooooooooooooooeeeey woop woop. Ahem ..

Thank you

Entry Number Five: Criminal Bastard

Drum roll....drrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. It's the big wait now my friends, this is it. I knew i was clean, i'm a good boy. This is where i currently stand in the application process:

Criminality Check Completed >> Licence Granted >> Licence Refused

So it is literally sitting and waiting now, which at the time of writing, should be about ten days. I will be honest, as much as i want to moan and groan, the time has passed quickly. Life has crept in in the meantime, and I've just got on with shit.

Funnily enough, i saw the same doorman in the club i go to without his badge again. We crossed glances for a second time, much like two wild west gunslingers walking past each other in a dusty town. Onlookers hurrying their frightened children along. The question is...who will draw first? Not me.

My plan for getting work for Christmas is looking good. I now need to start seeing about how to get work, where to go. In fact I'm gonna whip out that Doorman book i was reading through a few months ago, as the time is fast approaching.

I still get my "Arnie On" in the clubs. Scanning the crowd in red vision like the Terminator. Seeing where things are kicking off, potential bust ups. I just wanna get hands on in there now.

So, this is it, the wait for that final stage on the SIA web site checklist to be highlighted in red...

then it all starts.

Entry Number Four: We're Off!...well six weeks off.

Your application has been at this stage since 2007-10-23 (1 working days ago).

Your application form has been checked, and found to be complete. It is now being processed, and for a non-complex application (one without qualification, identification, CRB or criminality issues) it will currently take approximately six weeks from the date above for a licensing decision to be made.

You will receive a confirmation letter together with your returned documents within the next two weeks. Please do not chase your documents unless this time frame is exceeded.
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Um, i think i have something to say at this point...um, Yahoo? no no , um YAHOOOOOOOOOOO....ok, so this is the first stage done, fine fine . It's not over yet, i now have to wait the full six weeks. But at least the first hurdle is done, thank the sweet lord above perched on his golden throne surrounded by angels and flowers the first hurdle is done!! I'm clean as Daz so there will be no problems with the criminal check. The remaining stages are...Qualification Check Passed, CRB Disclosure Requested, CRB Disclosure Received, Criminality Check Completed, License Granted, or License Refused

So now it's just literally sitting back, plonking my feet up and waiting. Or, should it say...it's just literally working in a soul destroying pig awful job, crying alone in the toilets because of the sheer amount of dignity stripped from me every night...and waiting. I've actually applied for something else in the meantime in the security industry i am hoping i will get until my license arrives, and I'm excited about that too. But getting my doorman license is the real baby.

I saw a doorman parading around without a license in his arm band last night at my local "dancing venue" Short fella, but stocky. I was going to ask him where his license was, but, i had been drinking. And something told me, the convo would start with my question and end with me standing in front of the club protesting to the Doormen. I was genuinely curious, because it's actually illegal. But "whatever" as the kids would say...whatever man, he can deal with any issues that particular chestnut might bring. Maybe he forgot it....? I LOVE YOU brother, and i know you forgot that shit...

I still watch the clubs now with a much more attentive eye then i ever did before. This is when i'm supposed to be out having fun remember. It's strange, and when you watch you see loads of potential kick offs, small arguments bubbling, and people to really watch for but still no matter what. I need to get in there, get my hands in there and take a few smacks, abuse to really know how i will feel about this. To be perfectly bloody honest, i can't wait.

Due to my work commitments, my martial arts training has gone down to once a week, which i wanted to increase the final weeks before I'm actually on the doors. Not that a quick burst of slightly more training than before will make me invincible, but at least I'll feel "oiled" for when something occurs right? Back soon...need that confrimation letter now, and then? the sweet plastic.

Entry Number Three: Documents boy, Documents.

Okey dokey, so's i get's the returned application and Documents, rip open the envelope and since Oct 1st they require all supporting Documents other than the main ones (Passport etc, Drivers license) to have both the name and or address on both. Ok, this is fine, but, i sent mine before thatd ate, and knew nothing of this, so...there was no way i would have known this change, so they sent all my stuff back. Bitches.

But i smiled, bit my lip, triple checked my application form, holding an enormous comedic magnifying glass, and a comb which had teeth of the finest variety. I've now sent everything off for the second time. The women behind the counter of the post office, looked back at me bored as she stuck the recorded delivery sticker on the envelope, and slung it on the pile. She was holding my very future in my hands. The way she threw it on the pile with the rest of the recorded deliv's...heartless COW.

So the whole waiting shit starts again. This isn't even funny, in fact I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE A DOORMAN NOW...sigh, thats not true. Report back when they tell me the next fuck up i made on my application. Seeya.

Entry Number Two: Rejected

I had a chat with a bouncer last night in my regular club, i was completely smashed at the time, drunk off my balls, and high as the very gates of heaven themself. I remember the exchange going something like this

"When ahm i GOnna Get MY LICence MaaaAn, i BEEN WAITIN For aaages bruv"
He said..."you're gonna be waiting about four months my friend"

I then continued to look around for my friends i thought i'd lost, drunk, paranoid, at this point i could have been walking on another planet. But that conversation made me want to check up, even at this early stage on the progress of it all, so i did.

Since i've sent it, all i've been thinking about pretty much is that day...when it arrives. The sweet sweet moment of the biggest career switch up of my life. I look at the flourecent Licence card holders on the arms when i'm out, and the awe. I need one...

So to log on to the SIA just now, just to see how far i'm getting, and to read this:

Your application form has been checked, and rejected as it is incomplete. You will receive a confirmation letter indicating the incomplete section / reason for rejection, together with your returned documents within the next five days. Please do not chase your returned application form / documents unless this time frame is exceeded.

Not good my friends, not good at all. At the current time of writing there is a postal strike as well. So it's going to take about six days to even receive it all back, fill in the one part i've done wrong and send it all off again. For a breif second the stupidness of it all did make me think eff it. Seriously, but to be fair i've known from day one this whole process is going to take an age. I just kind of pathetically hoped you know, i might be one of those who actually gets it all sorted within the six weeks.

So yeah, i am currently as the kids would say "screwing" I need to see what i've done wrong, personally i think i've forgot to tick a box or something as i went over that form about five times before i sent it. I even kissed it good luck before i gave everything to the woman behind the counter at the post office. Very frustrating but i'll get there. I truly do get the feeling this is going to take the four five months everyone says...and i also don't think this is the last time i'm going to have everything sent back due to an "error"

I'm a fairly smart dude, and as i filled out the application i meticulously followed the "how to fill out the application" sheet word for word, so i am concerned as to what i've done wrong here, or if there's some other problem beyond a simple forgotten box etc. Ah well, when i find out i will pop back and Blog what the problem actually was. This was a knockback, to be honest, i wasn't expecting it.

Entry Number One: Why do it? The Exam, Application, Preparation and Boobs

Why not? One day, sitting at work (customer services/call centre) with my telephone headpiece on, with an abusive customer giving it the usual. You get to thinking to yourself, no more my friend. No more. It really was as simple as that. I handed my notice in at my current job and thought, why not beat people up? be a doorman. Of course the whole process would take longer than i was expecting but that's why I'm here, thats why I'm sitting at my PC with my specs on, thinking...i should document this whole shit...I'm going to have some stories to tell in the future. I don't really to be honest want to 'beat people up' HOWEVER i would like to possibly throw a person, if the situation called for that said action.

Ok so I've done the exam, and passed, to be fair it wasn't challenging but you do have to pay attention. The stories of falling asleep in there? Hmmm, i don't know about that. I haven't been in a situation like that...as in, sitting up, paying attention to stuff...for a long time. If you want to pass it you will, simple as. But theres about 11 sections to plough through, and a lot of paper work to read through. It's multiple choice though, so I'm sure some bluff there way through. Me? i was class swot, sorry but i was passin' that bitch if it killed me.

Our trainer was great, a big jolly Welshman and he made the whole time we were there as entertaining as he could. It was only three of us. Myself, a stocky little Asian dude, and a slim smart looking Arab guy. We were all there to pass, sweet. I can imagine being in a class packed with apes and brain deads though, throwing pens, laughing loudly, enjoying themselves and the like. It's for this reason i thank he/she/it who created life, that i took the exam with a group of people i would commonly class as..."safe" It was good. We had a few laughs but got down to it and done the biz.

When i got my exam sheet through the door....sweet mother of Jesus Mary above in a stable with hay. Was a good feeling. Somewhere close to the Euphoria I'm expecting to feel when i finally get that SIA card through the post....which is where I'm at now. Ok, so I've heard the rumors, it takes 80 years to receive the license "Ooooh SIA License?? you might as well be DEAD mate...you got no hope" etc. When the big jolly Welshman dropped that bomb on us, it was going to take about three months, i felt my heart drop into my stomach, and the acids waiting patiently went right to work on it. I'd just quit my job, expected to sign on for what, a month tops, wait a few weeks in the post, get me license and literally bounce my way to town, land in front of a club and get to work... Ok i know now. Which is why in the meantime i have the most soul destroying job you can imagine, I'm not even going to say what it is but....its the most SOUL DESTROYING JOB YOU COULD IMAGINE...this is to pay the bills and my application.

So if anything you will get to chart how long this is going to take if you reading this now are going for your SIA Doorman license. I'm filling it in today and will have it posted on monday at the latest. Officially its six weeks, I'm hoping i get mine before xmas because quite honestly i want that CHRIMBO GREEN..THE CHRIMBO MONEY...belive it or not, i actually want money. I don't enjoy the idea of getting in between two drunk sweaty men and heaving them out of a club, but i do if it means I'm going to get payed good money for it (please picture me right now giving the double thumbs up) moneeey...

I've done just about all i can do to get myself ready for this, I've been doing a martial art for a year and a half. Also the bar i go to three nights a week has a healthy amount of scraps and thrown bottles and people. I've had a few scuffles in my younger days....ok about ten years ago. But, I'm bloody big, and i can grab a bastard and throw him out if i need to. All the learning how to speak to people and all that will come. It was covered in the exam, but it's one of those things where I'm gonna have to learn as i go along. I know this.

I know how to speak to people, I'm a pro at it, not blowing my own clarinet but i am THE BEST AT IT. But, mix that in with alcohol, abuse, the physical aspect etc, well, fuck it, I'm just going to have to learn. I hate being a newbie at anything, the new boy...but so be it.

So right now, I'm reading an interesting book for Bouncers by Jamie O'Keefe which I'm trying to absorb as much of as i can, but sometimes i wanna just throw the book aside and get in there. I love the idea of getting in the thick of it, I'm not a thug but after doing the same type of work for almost ten...FUCKING...years...no sir. I wanna get hands on. Gripping and stuff...

So there it is....as from monday i will send off the form and we shall see how long it all takes...not much i will be able to update now until it all begins i guess. However any former/current bouncers, thugs, criminals, mad suicide bombers and killer robots who want to give me advice, suggestions etc...please do. Until then...I'll be back when i get my card!

(Looks over at as yet unfilled sheet) Time for a sigh i think...

*sigh*

I need to look at some boobies i think.